It wasn't long after I began working, we're talking weeks, that I got sick at work. It was completely reasonable to chalk it up to the fact that I waited too long to eat and just wasn't feeling well because it wasn't at all uncommon for that to happen to me. It was a 1-time deal and I moved on.
My work schedule and my home life were working out perfectly. Well, as perfectly as possible when I had to spend 2 days/week away from my baby girl. My husband and I were enjoying her so much. With every new little thing she did we rejoiced. I even thought to myself that I was ok having one baby and that she was just our little miracle. People would often ask me if I was ready for another and my most common answer was, "I don't know... I am just enjoying her so much", (most of the people who had asked me were customers at the store and had no idea of my past). I loved going home after my long days at work to see that face light up when she saw me. We would immediately embrace and she would lay on my lap to nurse. I cherished those moments. And at bed time my husband and I would give her a bath and then I would nurse her to sleep. Most nights she slept in her own bed, but like clockwork, every morning, bright and early (around 5am) we would bring her to our bed to sleep with us. We very much enjoyed co-sleeping, but she was such a great sleeper on her own we would only get mornings to cuddle.
Everything was going so smoothly that after a couple months I was asked if it was possible to add a 3rd day to my work schedule. They had offered me a full time, management position, but that much time away from my baby girl was just not something I could handle. Especially since we were still nursing. I told my boss when my daughter turned 2 I would maybe consider it then. So instead I told them we could make a 3rd day work.
I worked at a baby boutique... we sold, among other things, car seats, strollers, double strollers, and all things heavy. We also had a flight of stairs to our stock room where I often lifted said heavy items up and down those stairs. Never giving it a second thought.
In June, I had plans to host/attend a "union" of several mommies I had become close friends with thru an online group and couldn't wait. We spent a day picnic'ing , a day at the beach and one day at Disneyland. All of our children were the same age and it was so nice to get out and have a great time. Sure, I was tired, but I was chasing after a toddler. Isn't that normal? I did get sick one night after dinner, secretly, (one of my friends and her daughter was staying with me and I didn't want her to know) but just assumed it was something I ate. Easily.
It was around the middle of July when I started to feel... well, really run down. My boss caught me leaning on the desk in the office and asked if I was ok. And then she asked if I was pregnant. I laughed it off, telling her that I was probably just tired from having a long night or not taking my vitamins. I actually felt disappointed in myself for being so out of shape. I was always an active person, having done sports my whole life and working out was just something I had no problem doing... I ran 2 marathons for crying out loud. How on earth could I explain this out of breathe feeling I'd get from simply walking up a flight of stairs?!? I started going on daily walks to work up my endurance.
I began to experience an intense feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and after mentioning it to my husband and sister I got the same question/concern... "are you by any chance... pregnant"? My responses grew shorter - "NO. I can't get pregnant". "I am not pregnant". I was so adamant about it because like before I would not allow myself to go there. Not even for a moment. The idea of getting the least bit excited about possibly being pregnant only to get a BFN would've destroyed me. So, I steered clear of the idea. No matter what anyone said to me. There was always an explanation for everything I was feeling and after a few days the pressure just... went away.
I did notice a slight weight gain of about 6lbs and at that point I got really down on myself. I started to pay close(er) attention to what I was eating and even bought a few Lean Cuisines. What on earth was going on, I thought to myself?? How am I gaining weight?? And a few times, at night, while I would be relaxing with my husband I would feel... "something" going on in my belly. At one point I actually opened my mouth and said (to my husband, in private), "either I am pregnant or something is really wrong with me". Of course he grew concerned and asked that I go see my OB. I told him no... it was ridiculous to think I was pregnant and I quickly changed the subject. But for once the thought actually stuck in my mind. And the racing began... "Could I possibly... be pregnant?"
August had rolled around and by mid month I was really freaking out. By this time my weight gain was up to about 8lbs and I was feeling very emotional. For so many reasons. I had been dodging the same questions and concerns for 2 months now and I was finally growing tired of it. I wished everyone would just stop. Didn't they know how painful it was for me? Didn't they realize that by asking me if I was pregnant they were getting me excited, only to be extremely disappointed later on? No... they had no clue. And I didn't have the energy to explain it to them.
One night, at the end of August, I was laying in bed, reading a book when all of a sudden I felt the book just... pop up. Yep. Some...thing kicked my book right up off of me. Ok, that was it. I decided to go out on my lunch break the next day to buy a pregnancy test. It was Thursday, August 21, 2008 and I was about to go to sleep with the idea that maybe... just maybe? I mean... Highly unlikely... doesn't mean im...possible... does it?
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