New life.

One of the reasons I chose to pursue a VBAC was because I knew that a vaginal birth would "require less hospital" time for me.  And I was in a hurry to get back home to my baby girl.  I was in no hurry to rush any after birth bonding with my son, but I also felt that we, as a family, needed to start bonding right away.  

After my son was born I remember feeling much more awake and alert.  I knew this time around that there was absolutely NO WAY that I would go anywhere close to hours without my son by my side.  I didn't have to overcome any drug effects and I sure as heck didn't have to sleep any off either.  They measured him, weighed him and got all necessary information in the very room he was born in, just as before, but after wrapping him up and bringing him to me they walked away, giving us ample time to bond before they had to move us to post delivery.  I could barely hold back the tears.  I was beaming with a sense of accomplishment that I birthed my son into this world against the overall popular notion that because I had a cesarean before I had to have another.  And the truth is if I wound up having another cesarean I would've been ok with it.  But I knew that IF it were to happen, it would be absolutely because of necessity and not because of convenience.  It was going to be my decision.  You know... my choice. 

He looked up at me with such open eyes and I couldn't believe he was mine.  I couldn't wait to try nursing him.  He was sucking on my finger for a while and a few of my family members came in to visit and to see my brand new gorgeous baby boy.  

They asked to take him for his 1st bath and since they were also going to move me to my next stop, post delivery, I allowed them to bathe him in the nursery and was assured that my husband would stay by his side the entire time.  And after a few short moments he was back with me in my room. They had him in one of those little plastic see through cribs and rather than leaving him there, I scooped him up and laid him next to me, in my hospital bed.  Where he slept for the rest of our stay.  Swaddled and cozy, right next to his mommy.  

We were successful when it came to nursing and I wondered how my baby girl would handle having to take turns, especially since my son would be nursing on demand, whenever he wanted.  They actually wound up being our most beautiful moments. There were a few instances where I would be nursing them both, at the same time, one on each breast, and my daughter would reach out her hand to hold her brothers hand.  Oh my, it was so beautiful.  So Amazing.  So Lovely.  True sibling bonding.  And all at my breast, where they both sought nourishment, comfort, love and soothing.  I was so thankful for those moments.  

My son was born on New Years Eve and because everything went so marvelously we were able to check out and go home the very next day.  January 1st, 2009 we were all together, as a family, and were eager to go about living our lives. 

Happy New Year! Part two.

We arrived at the hospital and I stayed in the car while my husband ran to get a wheel chair.  I didn't need it, but he wanted to "take care of me" so I let him...  I thought it was cute.  When he walked up to the security guard, rather than telling him he needed a wheel chair to help me in, he told him I was "giving birth in the car".  The guard just about choked on his drink and before he could get up to really react, my hubby quickly corrected himself by saying that I was in early labor and just needed to check in.  I decided at that point that I would just walk in.  Walking was better for labor, anyway. We then proceeded to almost walk the wrong way.  It wasn't our 1st rodeo, but we were sure acting like it! 

We finally arrived to the Maternity Floor and I signed in.  The time on the clock when I signed in?  Midnight.  Exactly.  December 31st.  I wasn't keen on the idea of being there for 24 hours so any thoughts about having "the 1st baby of 2009" went out the window.  There was a lot of chatter about moms checking in and in labor to see who would have that new years baby!  Me?  I just wanted my baby.  And I wanted him to decide when it was time to come out.  And as of then he was doing a great job of it.  

After we finished any paperwork we were showed to our room.  I changed into the gown and my 1st shift nurse introduced herself.  I explained my "situation" to her and she immediately jumped on the support train and was 100% for me going for my VBAC.  In fact, not only did she encourage me going for a natural labor, she assured me she wouldn't mention drugs.  Ever.  I felt so supported.  Between her and my husband I was feeling really great that everything was going to go as planned.  

I wanted to be able to walk around and be free to sit and get into different positions to help alleviate any pain and my nurse was quick to get the necessary "permission" I needed for intermittent monitoring.  She even helped by showing us different positions I could stand in and by showing my husband how he could support me.  She also helped to control my breathing.  My contractions were getting intense and she was instrumental in helping me to get through them.  I had seen my OB a few times by this point and all was going smoothly.  Until...  around 7am, that is.  When my nurse's shift was over.  Noooooooooooo!!!  I couldn't believe she had to leave...  I admit it - I was terrified.  Everything was going so smoothly and I hastily jumped to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be able to do this without her help.  Help that had been getting me exactly where I wanted to be. 

My new shift nurse was very nice.  Also very encouraging and supportive.  In fact when my OB came in to check me and saw that my contractions had "stalled" for a bit he told my nurse to give me a small amount of pitocin to get them "moving along" again...  my nurse winked at me and said she wasn't going to.  That made me feel good and I felt like things were looking up.  Again.  My OB came in a while after and saw that the pitocin had not been given...  so my nurse literally gave me the least amount possible and then soon after that, turned it off.  I know now that I could have easily told my OB I did NOT want it and that it was completely MY decision.  

My contractions did indeed pick up and within a couple hours I was smack in the middle of the most intense and powerful pain.  I had forgotten everything my 1st nurse told me or rather I remembered and was unsuccessful in trying to breathe through and relax.  My husband, god bless him, tried so very hard to help me, but nothing was working.  And I was giving up on myself.  The worst thing I could have done.  I know it. I tensed up and I didn't allow myself to give into the pain.  Add to that the anger I was feeling for letting the pain get the best of me and I was a wreck.  I turned to my husband and told him I wanted the epidural.  I uttered those words that I am sure every mommy utters at one point or another... "I can't do this".  But instead of saying it and doing it anyway, I said it and then proceeded to ask for my nurse to page the anesthesiologist.  And the moments I sat there waiting and waiting were the worst.  The pain got even more unmanageable and the anticipation of it going away only made things worse.  The anesthesiologist arrived and "hooked me up" and it was only a matter of time before I realized that I had just taken away any ounce of freedom I had.  I made it completely impossible to walk around anymore.  I couldn't even go to the bathroom on my own.  The numbness was overwhelming and I was so extremely disappointed in myself.  I knew that my body would now have a chance to really relax and "open up", but it wasn't supposed to happen that way. 

We were making our way into the early afternoon and I decided that I was just feeling "too numb".  I didn't like it.  I hated it, in fact.  I asked my nurse to page the anesthesiologist to come in and turn my epidural down.  All I wanted was to take the edge off, I did not want to be this numb.

I waited patiently for the drugs to wear off, but when they didn't wear off enough I paged her again and asked her to just turn it off.  Completely.   By this time I had been moved to "Active Labor" because I was at 4cm when my OB last checked me.  It seemed to move quicker and quicker this time and now I was anticipating the drugs wearing off and having my baby!!  My OB came in to check me and my nurse was by my side telling him we wanted to hear good news!  "How about 7cm"?  he quickly replied.  And then he turned to me, smiled and said, "you're going to do this, Anita".  I was going to have a successful VBAC.  I was thrilled.  It was almost time to meet my baby and I wasn't going to have to do it from an operating table.  I would be able to hold him from the moment he was born.  I was indeed ready.

7cm quickly progressed to 10 and the epidural was wearing off.  Slowly, but surely.  My nurse was so excited for us and she talked to me a bit about how I needed to push when the time came.  She paged my OB and he was on his way, but while we waited she wanted to go over a "practice push" with me.  I did everything she told me to do and gently pushed...  as this was happening my OB walked in and said, "hey, wait for me", in a half joking way.  Basically my son was so ready that he was on his way out with just my practice push.  And in that moment I was overcome with happiness.  I asked my nurse if there was a way I could see my son being born and she grabbed the standing mirror and put it in place so I'd be able to see him coming into this world.  My OB was just about ready.  It was all very casual.  Nothing like I had been through with my c-section.  There was no sense of hurry or worry.  I was in labor and almost ready to have my baby.   It was only a matter of minutes before I was going to be holding him!!  My miracle baby boy.

FIVE. MINUTES. LATER. my son was born.  I did it.  And as soon as he was born he was immediately placed on my chest and in my arms.  All I could do was stare at his gorgeous face.  He was oh so perfect.  My beautiful baby boy.  My son.  I burst into tears as my husband and I kissed and just stared him.  I couldn't wait to bring him home to meet his big sister.  My babies.  My loves.

In just a few short months I had gone from not knowing I was pregnant to finding out, to holding my baby in my arms.  I felt so lucky.  So blessed.  So happy.  So incredibly fortunate.  Time stood still, for just a moment.  And in that moment it was just my baby boy and I.  And our life as mommy and son had begun.  

Happy New Year! Part one.

Happy, indeed.  The happiest, in fact.  Ever.

My pregnancy was pretty much uneventful, in the best possible way.  No unnecessary testing and no concerns.  It was a definite variation from my daughter.  I wasn't worried about missing out on the testing that is normally done in the 1st trimester.  And I wasn't concerned that my daughter was still nursing.  In fact she continued to nurse throughout my entire pregnancy and I made the decision to allow her to tandem nurse if she hadn't weaned by the time my baby boy was born.  I wasn't about to push her aside for her brother.  And from what I read about breastfeeding and it's countless benefits, I knew it would help them grow closer together.

The holidays were upon us and my due date was fast approaching!  We celebrated Christmas and I tried very hard to make it as  memorable as possible, considering it would be my daughter's last one as an only child.  She was, no doubt, spoiled rotten and I loved every minute of watching her open presents. 

New Years Eve was right around the corner and the idea that we would soon be welcoming a new baby to our family was both miraculous and overwhelming.  Overwhelming because we had plans to move mid-January and the idea of packing up and heading out with a toddler and a newborn was not something I was looking forward to.  Our decision to move was based solely on our financial situation and we really had no other choice.  Fortunately we found an even larger place for less money.  Hallelujah!

December 30th, 2008...  My sister was visiting and I had just completed a long day at work.  I was ready to go home to my baby girl.  My husband was working late so it was just my daughter and I at for bath time and bed time. We went through our usual routine and after some nursing and cuddling she was fast asleep.  I had been experiencing contractions on a nightly basis, but nothing consistent in one night.  Did that make sense?  I would feel contractions pretty much every night, but never for long periods of time.  So I never paid too much attention...  just waited for them to pass.  On this particular night I felt a really big and painful contraction, the only one of it's kind so far and I wondered if it meant anything...  and after not feeling another one for a while, I didn't give it much more thought.

That night, and like most nights, I got hungry and instead of cooking something I simply called my husband to ask him to bring home Carl's Jr.  I was craving it.  He took our order and showed up moments later with our grub.  We ate, relaxed and he treated me to a fabulous foot massage.  Good man. 

I got up to go to the bathroom and afterward, walked over to my kitchen counter to open a hazelnut chocolate bar...  I barely unwrapped the tin foil when all of a sudden...  I felt a burst of liquid and quickly realized what had just happened.  "Oh no, I think my water just broke!"  I couldn't believe it!  This was it!!  My body was indeed making all of the decisions. I ran back to the bathroom to sit and think about what our next move should be.  I wasn't used to having so much liquid come out either.  When my water was broken with my daughter there was hardly any at all.  My husband brought me the phone and I called my ob's office.  The on call Dr. suggested I go to the hospital.  So my husband and sister rushed around gathering my things and brought me some clothes to change into.  The plan was my sister would wait at my house for my mom so she could stay with my daughter.  My bag was pretty much packed, aside from a few toiletries, so there wasn't much else to do.

Once we were ready to go we went in to kiss our baby girl goodbye...  We had never left her overnight and while we knew we were heading out to have a baby, we were still sad we wouldn't be home when she woke up in the morning. 

We headed out of the house and my sister let us know she would text me when she was on her way to the hospital.  She was on video duty so it was imperative that she get there fast.  The camera we were going to use belonged to our good friends and since I went into labor earlier than I expected I hadn't yet borrowed it from them.  I sent a widespread text letting everyone know what was going on and my girlfriend, the one with the camera, immediately texted back that she was on her way to drop off the camera with my sister.  It was around 11:15pm at this point...  and she even stopped along the way to buy tapes for us.  I was very unprepared.  Thank goodness for amazing friends! 

I couldn't believe we were on our way to the hospital.  To have a baby.  I had no idea what was in store, but I was ecstatic to get there.  I was ready.  And I couldn't wait to meet my baby boy!!

My Birth. My Body. My... Choice?

After my daughter was born I, thankfully, found myself constantly surrounded by other mommies and our conversations almost always ended up being about birth, breastfeeding and all things baby.  It was just what it was... we were (are) mommies and our babies were (are) our lives. 

We were happiest when we were watching our babies play together and when we could share our countless stories.  Mainly, our birth stories.  One of my girlfriends was heavily into natural birth and in fact had her baby girl at home.  That amazed me.  It was never anything I thought about doing and yet I found myself intrigued.  And full of questions.  

Since my daughter was born via c-section, I was under the, (heavily misguided), impression that once you had one c-section, you were automatically headed toward another.  And if it weren't for my mommy friends who knew better and helped to teach me to do the research and fight for my choice, I seriously doubt I would've made the (right) decisions I did.  

It turns out there is a term for a woman who has a vaginal delivery after a cesarean section... It's called a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean or VBAC.  When I first heard this term I had may questions and I wanted answers.  For the 1st time I felt like I could actually have a real say in how my babies were going to be born.  And that wasn't a slight on my ob, at all, just a realization that I didn't have to conform to what medical doctors often recommended.  I told myself that if I ever got pregnant again I was going to have a VBAC delivery.  And if my ob wasn't on board with it, I would find one who was.  

Around the same time I found out I was pregnant, or even a little before, a new movie/documentary about birth was released.  It is a film made by Ricki Lake and is called, 'The Business of Being Born'.  I highly recommend it.  It is a much needed educational film on child birth and how most major hospitals/doctors today push women to have unnecessary c-sections.  It is incredibly informative.  Of course, not all hospitals and doctors are the same and I actually believe my ob is an exception to the rule, but the truth is that there is a wide spread epidemic of unnecessary medically induced births and it was time we as women, took back our bodies.  Our choices.  

I knew, from the moment I heard of a VBAC, it was the way I planned to go with my next baby. And after watching the movie I was even more convinced that not only was my body capable of going thru a vaginal delivery, but that I would stand up and stand strong for what I knew was right.  And at my next appointment I told my ob about my birth plans and he, fortunately, was supportive.  I was painfully aware that a lot of doctors and hospitals did not allow VBAC deliveries, so I was thankful to be apart of a medical team who warmly welcomed the idea. 

I also had to get my family on board, most importantly my husband.  It became my responsibility to help inform them of the actual truths and statistics of having another cesarean verses a vaginal birth.  It wasn't an easy task with a husband who grew up solely relying on doctors and medicines and naturally he was hesitant to hop on board.  I wore him down, gently, and provided him with articles to read.  And after seeing how important it was to me, he changed his tune and started supporting the idea.  100%. 

And so, our decision, my choice, had been made.  I was in charge and I called the shots.  And it felt damn good. 

The Afterglow.

I was aglow.  Overnight I had grown  a big ole' preggie belly and I needed to wear my maternity pants.  "I told you so" never felt so good to hear.  

I couldn't stop thinking about the previous 5 months and that fact that I only had about 4 months to prepare for my baby's arrival.  We estimated my due date around January 6, 2009.   I was having another baby.  As incredibly excited as we were, I was also very nervous.  How was I going to do it?  Would my baby girl be ok?  We were still nursing and I was worried about her having to "share me" with another baby.  Was I ready?  Haha, ready or not...! :-)

I had another moment of realization soon after I found out (there were many!).  All of a sudden it made sense that my milk supply had dipped so low - to almost nothing.  And that's why nursing became so sensitive!?!  At one point I was so worried about my milk supply I started drinking Mother's Milk Tea.  All along...  it was a baby in my belly.  Thank God.  Our little miracle.  And thank goodness my daughter wasn't affected at all by it.  She continued to nurse for comfort when she wanted/needed to.  For as long as she wanted/needed to.

We did miss all of the recommended 1st trimester testing, but we were in time for our 2nd trimester screen.  Here is the ultrasound picture we received at that appointment -

 

  

Oh sweet sweet baby boy.  

I could stare at you for hours.  

And I pretty much did.

I continued working at the baby boutique and all of a sudden my 30% discount took on a whole new meaning.  I couldn't stop looking around the store at things I wanted!  And all of our friends and family were so eager to offer any and all help we needed.  We were so lucky.  So blessed.  We had gotten what we wanted and all we had to do now was wait.  And watch my belly grow...  

I didn't know I was pregnant...

Yep.  I was "that" girl.  Granted, I didn't go all the way and find out when I went into labor, but I did go 22 weeks...  That's just over 5 months.  Whoa.

So, I went to work on Friday and did indeed purchase a test during my lunch break.  I decided to wait until I got home that evening to take it.  My SIL was visiting (good luck charm, perhaps?) and when I got home I immediately went into the bathroom to test.  Holy. Moly.  It was positive.  I was in shock.  Disbelief.  In the most amazing way!!!  Don't you know what this means???  This means that my husband and I created life, completely on our own.  Without any medical intervention.  We did it!  "Highly unlikey" my ass!  :-)

And then I started to wonder... How far along was I?  I was already feeling movement so I had to be far enough along.  I estimated the 1st day of my last period was April Fool's Day (how funny is that!?!) and so in my mind I was calculating that I was around 5 months already.  FIVE MONTHS???  Are you kidding me??  Sooo, I finally get pregnant naturally and I wind up missing out on the entire 1st half?  And then some? Dude.  Not cool.  But oh so remarkable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had remembered 2 incidents that happened before this...  one random incident with a stranger at a Whole Foods check out.  She was ringing me up while I was holding my baby girl and she said those words to me...  You know, those forbidden words you NEVER, EVER, EVER say to a woman.  "Are you pregnant"?  My initial thought was to say, "no, but I have gained some weight".  But instead I just looked up at her and said, "I don't know."  And then she said, "I think you are".  I just smiled and took my groceries and left.

The other incident was at a friends wedding in August.  Just a week and a 1/2 before I found out.  The groom saw me standing in the bar area and since there was loud music playing he simply looked at me and patted his own belly...  as if to ask me if I was pregnant.  I just smiled and nodded my head "NO" and went to find my husband. 

Those were the only 2 times in my life that has ever happened to me.  And as it turns out...  they knew before I did.

I know you all have seen or heard about that show on Discovery Health and have had that same thought...  "How is it possible to not know"!??!?!  Well, I completely understand now.  Remember...  I had been pregnant before.   I knew what fetal movement felt like.  But even still I did not think I was pregnant.  I was stuck on "highly unlikely" and would not allow myself to get past it.  And up until my pregnancy was confirmed I was literally forcing myself to fit into my regular work pants, changed my diet and began working out to handle the "weight gain".  I can totally understand how someone who has never been pregnant, hardly gains any weight and isn't even thinking about it can go a whole 9 months.  Man...  I was almost there.

I walked out of my bedroom to find my husband in the kitchen and quickly pulled him into the bedroom.  My SIL was playing with my daughter in the family room.  He walked in and I showed him the pregnancy test.  The positive test.  He smiled and said, "na ah!", but in that tell me it's true kind of way...  I just ran into his arms and told him I was pregnant!  We hurried out to tell his sister and then we called our families.  Everyone was so happy for us.  We were so happy for us.  And I was also so very curious!!  I wanted to know everything!!  What was I having?  When was my due date?  I couldn't wait to get all the details!

I called my OB's office the next day and told them I needed to come in to confirm a pregnancy.  I made them aware of the "special circumstance" and we scheduled our appointment for the following week. 

I couldn't wait to get to his office to see my baby on the ultrasound screen!  I was also looking forward to talking to his nurse... we had developed a bit of a friendship and I was excited to see the look on her face when she heard that we got pregnant on our own!  Naturally she as very happy for us!  She took my blood pressure and we talked for a bit and then we all sat and excitedly waited for my OB to walk in.  My husband and my baby girl were with me and we were all filled with anticipation of the "official" confirmation.  He walked in and as he turned on the machine, he asked how I was feeling and if I had felt any movement...?  Um... yes.  A lot.  His response?  Laughingly... "What am I going to do with you"?  He assumed, like I did, that I was far along, and in his world, that meant that I had missed out on all 1st trimester testing/screening.  I didn't care.  I just wanted to see my baby. 

And finally we did.  Oh my goodness...  there it was.  My little being, growing in my belly.  Thank goodness I wasn't going to miss another day of this little wonder growing inside me.  We asked if he could see the sex and he asked if we wanted to know.  We most certainly did.  It's a boy!!!!  A BOY!!!  We were having a boy!!!  We told our daughter she was going to be a big sister and that she was going to get a little brother.  It was such an incredible day.  To say the least.