"Highly unlikely"...

It wasn't long after I began working, we're talking weeks, that I got sick at work.  It was completely reasonable to chalk it up to the fact that I waited too long to eat and just wasn't feeling well because it wasn't at all uncommon for that to happen to me.  It was a 1-time deal and I moved on.  

My work schedule and my home life were working out perfectly.  Well, as perfectly as possible when I had to spend 2 days/week away from my baby girl.  My husband and I were enjoying her so much.  With every new little thing she did we rejoiced.  I even thought to myself that I was ok having one baby and that she was just our little miracle.  People would often ask me if I was ready for another and my most common answer was, "I don't know...  I am just enjoying her so much", (most of the people who had asked me were customers at the store and had no idea of my past).  I loved going home after my long days at work to see that face light up when she saw me.  We would immediately embrace and she would lay on my lap to nurse.  I cherished those moments.  And at bed time my husband and I would give her a bath and then I would nurse her to sleep.  Most nights she slept in her own bed, but like clockwork, every morning, bright and early (around 5am) we would bring her to our bed to sleep with us.  We very much enjoyed co-sleeping, but she was such a great sleeper on her own we would only get mornings to cuddle.  

Everything was going so smoothly that after a couple months I was asked if it was possible to add a 3rd day to my work schedule.  They had offered me a full time, management position, but that much time away from my baby girl was just not something I could handle.  Especially since we were still nursing.  I told my boss when my daughter turned 2 I would maybe consider it then.  So instead I told them we could make a 3rd day work.  

I worked at a baby boutique...  we sold,  among other things, car seats, strollers, double strollers, and all things heavy.  We also had a flight of stairs to our stock room where I often lifted said heavy items up and down those stairs.  Never giving it a second thought. 

In June, I had plans to host/attend a "union" of several mommies I had become close friends with thru an online group and couldn't wait.  We spent a day picnic'ing , a day at the beach and one day at Disneyland.  All of our children were the same age and it was so nice to get out and have a great time.  Sure, I was tired, but I was chasing after a toddler.  Isn't that normal?  I did get sick one night after dinner, secretly, (one of my friends and her daughter was staying with me and I didn't want her to know) but just assumed it was something I ate.  Easily.  

It was around the middle of July when I started to feel...  well, really run down.  My boss caught me leaning on the desk in the office and asked if I was ok.  And then she asked if I was pregnant.  I laughed it off, telling her that I was probably just tired from having a long night or not taking my vitamins.  I actually felt disappointed in myself for being so out of shape.  I was always an active person, having done sports my whole life and working out was just something I had no problem doing...  I ran 2 marathons for crying out loud.  How on earth could I explain this out of breathe feeling I'd get from simply walking up a flight of stairs?!? I started going on daily walks to work up my endurance.

I began to experience an intense feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and after mentioning it to my husband and sister I got the same question/concern... "are you by any chance... pregnant"?  My responses grew shorter - "NO.  I can't get pregnant".  "I am not pregnant".   I was so adamant about it because like before I would not allow myself to go there.  Not even for a moment.  The idea of getting the least bit excited about possibly being pregnant only to get a BFN would've destroyed me.  So, I steered clear of the idea.  No matter what anyone said to me.   There was always an explanation for everything I was feeling and after a few days the pressure just... went away.  

I did notice a slight weight gain of about 6lbs and at that point I got really down on myself.  I started to pay close(er) attention to what I was eating and even bought a few Lean Cuisines.  What on earth was going on, I thought to myself??  How am I gaining weight??  And a few times, at night, while I would be relaxing with my husband I would feel...  "something" going on in my belly.  At one point I actually opened my mouth and said (to my husband, in private), "either I am pregnant or something is really wrong with me".  Of course he grew concerned and asked that I go see my OB.  I told him no...  it was ridiculous to think I was pregnant and I quickly changed the subject.  But for once the thought actually stuck in my mind.  And the racing began...  "Could I possibly...  be pregnant?" 

August had rolled around and by mid month I was really freaking out.  By this time my weight gain was up to about 8lbs and I was feeling very emotional.  For so many reasons.  I had been dodging the same questions and concerns for 2 months now and I was finally growing tired of it.  I wished everyone would just stop.  Didn't they know how painful it was for me?  Didn't they realize that by asking me if I was pregnant they were getting me excited, only to be extremely disappointed later on?  No...  they had no clue.  And I didn't have the energy to explain it to them.

One night, at the end of August, I was laying in bed, reading a book when all of a sudden I felt the book just...  pop up.   Yep.  Some...thing kicked my book right up off of me.  Ok, that was it.  I decided to go out on my lunch break the next day to buy a pregnancy test.  It was Thursday, August 21, 2008 and I was about to go to sleep with the idea that maybe...  just maybe?  I mean... Highly unlikely...  doesn't mean im...possible...  does it?

Motherhood. The good, the bad and the... beautiful.

Ahhh, the joys of motherhood.  The absolute joys.  I say the good, the bad and the beautiful because the word, "ugly" has absolutely no place in this blog or in my descriptions of motherhood.  Nothing about being a mommy is ugly.  Sure, there are days where  I wanted to pull my hair out...  and I even made up a game with my daughter where I would fly her up in the sky above my heads and tell her she was going "out the window!"  Of course I said it in a happy cheery voice and she laughed.  :)  But no matter how many rough nights, teething spells, whiny baby moments we had, it all led to one thing...  me comforting my baby girl.  And that's what she needed.  Of course my husband did everything he could to comfort her and some nights in the beginning when she was extra upset or when nursing just wasn't helping her gassy belly he would stay up for hours holding her in a little football hold (her favorite position) while she slept.  He would do anything for his baby girl and seeing him with her just melted my heart. 

I was also very fortunate enough to have a group of other brand new mommy friends and we learned together and shared our experiences together.  Thankfully most of them shared the same values we had.  I had read several books on how to handle every scenario and I remember the moment when I decided that I just needed to put the books down and do what I felt was right for my baby.  And that meant never letting her cry-it-out and breastfeeding on demand.  That meant I would be attached to my baby girl and would forever be there when she needed me.  Both my husband and I were on board with being "Attached Parents".  We could never imagine sitting in the room next door, while she cried out to us.  It just seemed so cruel.  So we were at her bekkon call.  No matter what time of day, or night, it was.  

Breastfeeding was something that I never thought in a million years I would become so incredibly passionate about.  In fact, before I had my baby girl I knew that I would "try" to breastfeed, but I didn't think that it would be a long lasting relationship.  I recall a conversation I had with a fellow mommy friend, (who was already "in the know" about how incredibly good - the best - for baby and mommy breastfeeding is) and I told her casually that I would probably breastfeed for about 3 months or so and see what happened.  Her response to me was, "why only 3 months"?  And I didn't have an answer...  uh...  isn't that the "norm"?  And after my baby girl was born and our breastfeeding relationship began I couldn't ever imagine not nursing her to help satisfy any bit of hunger, soothing or bonding she needed.  I couldn't fathom the idea of not breastfeeding her or simply choosing not to.  And thankfully when I did have concerns, troubles or questions I knew enough to seek support and get it.  And I will forever be thankful for the months of support I was given.  

Soon we got the hang of it all and before we could blink months had gone by...  and then... a year.  Milestones had been reached and some we were still waiting on.  I was fortunate enough to be home with my baby, instead of having to go back to work, so we spent our days playing with our friends and enjoying each others company.  And my husband worked very close to home so he would visit us on his lunch breaks.  We settled in nicely to normal routines and we were always sure to follow her lead...  We were never worried about "schedules" and when you're breastfeeding, a schedule isn't something that can really be followed. Especially since she called the shots.  We often took naps together and night time cuddle time became our favorite time.  

Not long after she turned 1-year old we made the decision, as a family, that I would go back to work to start helping with the finances.  It was important to me to wait at least a year so our breastfeeding relationship wouldn't be interrupted.  And that 1st year was so extremely beneficial.  Of course, even after going back it was not interrupted and in fact, continued to thrive.  I knew that I needed to find a job where the company would not only allow me to work part time (2 days/week in the beginning), but would also allow me to let them know on a monthly basis the days I was available.  My mom planned on coming over 1 day/week and my husband would be home the 2nd day.  Daycare was not an option for us. 

I found the perfect part time job at a baby boutique.  I was definitely in my element.  :)  They hired me almost immediately and were more than happy to adjust their schedules and coordinate with me on a monthly basis.  I began working 2 days/week and after a couple months my husband and I talked and decided that I could work a 3rd day.  And between my husband and my mom, my baby girl was taken care of. 

And our life carried on...  day by day, week by week, month by month.  And we never considered ourselves perfect.  Just mommy and daddy.  And that was what we were happiest being.  

We talked about having another baby and most days I would remember our difficulties with getting pregnant and would just tell myself not to worry about it.  That if it was meant to be it would happen.  A part of me thought of how wonderful it would be to just wake up one day and be pregnant like I had dreamed about so many times before, but I knew that wasn't going to happen.  So I secretly resorted to the idea that our baby girl was it for us and we were just so damn lucky, so blessed to have her.  And with that we continued to enjoy every moment with her.  Every single moment. 

And then... We were 3.

My husband suited up in the typical hospital garb and they tried to tell me how the procedure was going to happen.  All I heard was, in about 20 minutes she'll be here.  Before they wheeled me into the operating room they handed me some stuff to drink that was supposed to help with acid reflux.  I suppose it did afterward, but initially it just made me puke.  ick!  

As they "prepped" me for surgery I tried my best to just talk to my husband and focus on the end game.  It was cold and I was shivering and I couldn't control my chattering teeth.  I had heard so many stories of women who said they could feel the incision and I was just hoping I wasn't going to be one of them.   My husband was sitting at my side and they let him bring in the video camera since my sister wasn't allowed in the room.  I wasn't sure what they would allow him to tape, but I was happy he had it with him.  There were about 4 Dr.'s working on me and my anesthesiologist had explained what drugs he was going to be giving me and how they would take affect soon.  They were all very very nice.  That's one of the many things I remember...  they all tried their best to comfort me.  

I could tell we were getting close and it wasn't long after when they began...  I didn't feel a thing.  And then I heard my OB telling my husband to get ready!  Get ready for what, I wondered??  Were they actually going to let him videotape the delivery?  And then they told him it was time and to get the camera!  OH MY GOSH, they did!  They let him video tape her being brought into this world. 

And in a few short moments I could hear my baby's cries.  Everybody told me she was here, but up until I heard those cries, I wasn't satisfied.  Her cries, her announcement to me that she was here, was the most magical sound I have ever heard in my life.  I immediately burst into tears and cries of joy.  They held her up so I could see her and oh my goodness.  She was absolutely beautiful.  Gorgeous.  God's perfect, most perfect creation.  The most perfect and wonderful and awesome thing that my husband and I had ever done.  They carried her over to the weighing table to get all of the pertinent information and all I could do was peek over to get glimpses of her as the Dr. and nurses went about their work.  My husband was able to walk over and videotape most of it.  They would call out her stats and tell me how beautiful she was and I just laid there... in total and complete awe of her existence.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, they wrapped her in a blanket, put her little cap on and brought her over to me.  My arms were so numb and I could barely lift them to hold her so the nurse laid her on my chest and lifted my arms to wrap them around her.  All I could do was stare at her.  I could hear my husbands sniffles as he sat next to me, video camera in hand, and at one point I whispered to him to help me.  I didn't feel sturdy enough to hold her on my own.  I did everything I could to just soak her in.  I could smell her and see her big beautiful dark eyes and somehow, in the midst of all my amazement at her sight I was able to speak a few words... "we waited so long for you".  I was elated.

It wasn't long after they took her to the nursery.  My husband had strict orders to stay with her and not leave her side for a moment.  And then... they were gone.  I was so full of emotions at that point I am pretty sure I was floating above the clouds.  They wheeled me into a room for recovery and the next thing I remember is waking up and seeing my husband sitting next to me.  It was 3 1/2 hours later.

"Is she ok"?  Were the first words out of my mouth and then, "where is she"?  My husband was very concerned about me and all I could do was wonder about my baby.  He told me that my family had all seen her and that at one point she grabbed onto his finger and wouldn't let go.  I was told that I couldn't be transferred until I was able to move my legs.  So I hugged my husband and told him to get back to our baby girl.  Oh my gosh, I tried with All. My. Might to move my legs and  finally, after about 30 minutes I moved my feet and yelled to the nurse that I was ready to be transferred.

They wheeled me into the next room and I, very impatiently waited for them to bring me my daughter.  The door opened and in walked my husband and then shortly there after...  they wheeled her in, in her little hospital crib.  It had been four hours since she was born and I was finally able to sit up and hold her properly in my arms.  I had no idea what this was going to feel like.  Nobody can ever fully explain to someone else how truly blissful it is to hold your brand new baby in your arms.  It is not a feeling that is really describable and yet I feel like I want to continue trying...  If you're a mom then you no doubt know exactly what I'm talking about.  I couldn't believe this perfect little being in my arms was mine.  My daughter.  My baby.  So tiny.  So innocent.  So precious.  Really...  just so perfect.

And we were a family.  It was the 3 of us, from there on out.  Our prayers had been answered and parenthood was ours.

To my baby girl...  We waited so long for you.   I love you to the moon.  And back.

The Induction.

We arrived at the hospital at 10pm sharp and began the admitting process.  I had previously turned in my admittance paperwork so the actual checking in didn't take long.  Everyone kept asking me, "why are we inducing"?  In my mind I thought, "shouldn't you know??"  But I guess they didn't all work for my OB so it was up to me to tell them what I was told earlier that day...  And I did my best, but couldn't relay the message well enough.  Whatever, it didn't matter.   They gave me my gown and I got in bed.  Another Dr. was going to come in to begin the induction process by administering the Cervidil so all we could do was wait.  And fill out all paperwork they put in front of me.  My sister was there, video camera in hand, to capture as much as she could.  I wanted it all on tape!  My whole family practically filled the waiting room...  they were all ready to camp out for as long was necessary to be there when my baby was born.  We were all very excited.  And impatient. 

Eventually the Dr. came in to insert the Cervidil...  Shortly after that my 1st Nurse came to check on us.  She was young and cheerful and very nice.  I tried to think positively that this labor was going to go how I always dreamed it would...  I pictured myself staring at my husband and pushing my baby out!  I had it all played out in my mind.  

First minutes went by...  then hours...  and then the next day.  My OB had come in several times to check on us and I wasn't making much progress.  It was disappointing, to say the least.  I wasn't going to get moved to a "Labor & Delivery" Room until I was at 3-4cm dilated so those were the numbers I was waiting to hear.  

By this time they had started the pitocin and tried to further the induction by inserting a Foley catheter and breaking my water.  I had opted to take a drug that was being offered by my nurse (she referred to herself as a "drug pusher"), called Fentanyl and had taken all they were allowed to give me.  The pain had gotten so intense, I was hardly able to handle it any longer.  I waited and waited as long as I could, but the contractions, made unbearable by the pitocin, were just getting stronger and stronger.  I opted for the epidural.  I was a basket case of emotions at that point.  And oh so very exhausted.  I tried to stop watching the clock, but it was difficult. 

It felt like an eternity I was waiting for the Anesthesiologist.  And then...  I was numb.  Too numb in fact.  I didn't like it.  No more being able to get up to go pee?  Oh man.  

Shortly after I received the epidural my OB told me I was at 4cm!!!  Hallelujah!!  Let's move to L&D, thank you very much!  I couldn't walk there myself, cause of the epidural, so they wheeled me in.  I felt so out of it.  I was well aware of what was going on around me, but the numbness was just too much.  My family had all come in to visit with us and a couple friends had come to visit.  I told them all that I was at 4cm and was hoping to have my baby soon!!!  This was all Saturday - mid morning.  

After a few more checks my OB had to sit down to talk to us about a few things...  It was around 1pm on Saturday afternoon and he told us that I wasn't progressing (stuck at 4cm) and my cervix was beginning to swell.  He was talking in a sympathetic tone and basically recommended that if after another half an hour I was still in the same scenario he wanted to perform a C-Section.  And then he asked me if that was ok.  I told him yes.  He was going to have some fluids put back into me to support my baby and he would be back in half an hour.  Up until this point I hadn't really considered the idea of me having a C-Section.  I just didn't think it was something I'd have to actually endure.  

I asked my sister (she was still videotaping) to go find my mom in the waiting room and ask her to come in.  When my mom came in we hugged and I just cried in her arms.  I really didn't know why I was crying...  Maybe it was because I was scared.  Maybe it was because I was excited.  Maybe it was because I was about to go in to have major surgery.  And maybe it was because I was finally going to meet my baby girl.  I actually said that out loud...  "I don't care anymore, I just. want. to. hold. my baby girl".  And that was how I truly felt.  I was just done...  done waiting.  And then my OB walked in and told us he wanted to go ahead and do the C-Section.  He sat down and asked if I was ok...  and I told him I was.  And then I told him that we were ready. 

40 Weeks.

It was Friday, March 23rd - My "official" due date - and we headed to my OB's office for our regularly scheduled visit.  My MIL had come into town and so she accompanied us to the office.  I was 40 weeks, exactly.  

We did the normal blood pressure check, etc. and I had casually mentioned that I was growing concerned at the lack of movement I was feeling the night before, (nights were my baby girls busiest - she was a mover and a shaker for sure!).  He checked on a few things and told me he wanted to put me on a Fetal Heart Monitor for a little bit...  I said ok.  Aside from it being normal to check my uterus, cervix and placenta during ultrasounds, I remembered how at previous appointments he was always sure to double and triple check my fluid levels and placenta placement because there was always and forever a concern about my vanishing twin.  I wasn't aware then of what I'm aware of now...  and of the potential things that could go wrong due to late term absorption (that's AbSORPtion, in case you may have read that wrong).  Which is what happened with us. 

After monitoring the baby and I for a period of time my OB came in and told us that he was concerned about my fluid levels and the slowing of baby movement and he thought it best to admit me that night for an induction, (He told us a few other things, but the truth is I just don't remember - the moment he mention induction it kind of all went blurry - and we agreed to go for it).  I didn't know any better and I was actually happy at the idea of scheduling an induction.  I just wanted to meet my baby.  And that was all I was thinking about.  Well, that and listening to my OB's recommendations.  He knew best, as far as I was concerned.

We left the office, went to lunch and then went home to get everything ready to come back to the hospital later that night.  He asked that we come back and check in at 10pm.  We had a light dinner and off to the hospital we went.  I had informed every member of my family and all my friends that we were off to have a baby!!!!!!!  I was anxious, excited, scared, ecstatic, all of the above.  I was so close to actually meeting and holding my baby...  It was all very surreal. 

Our Return To Normalcy.

We were given the results that our amnio came back "normal" and the excess levels of protein were indeed a result of the "vanishing twin"... not yet vanishing.  I gotta tell you...  My expectations were that the embryo would reabsorb quickly and I wouldn't have to worry about it again.  That didn't happen.  Clearly.  It wasn't a very pleasant reminder so I just tried my best to focus on my growing and developing baby. 

Since they had the amniotic fluid they went ahead and tested for any and all Chromosomal Abnormalities and fortunately they all came back negative.  Our baby was doing great and we were well on our way to continuing a happy and healthy pregnancy. Thank you, God. 

They were also able to 100% without a doubt confirm the sex of our baby...  And we wanted to know for sure!!  

We found out we were having a girl.  A teeny tiny baby girl was growing in my belly and we couldn't be happier.  With every movement, every kick, every roll I would rub my tummy and smile.  My husband and I talked to her, we took pictures of my growing belly and we even took some video of her moving.  We wanted to capture every moment.  

It got to the point where certain foods would make me sicker than others so I restricted my diet pretty much to a vegan one.  Cow's milk was proven to potentially cause sinus headaches for me and meat made me sick so giving it all up was no problem.  Any sickness I was feeling in the beginning was subsiding and I felt great.  Sure, I was tired...  sure, I was swollen...  sure, I was sick here and there.  But, I was pregnant.  And nothing was going to get me down about it.  NOTHING.  My body was home to a living, breathing little being...  a little being that we had prayed and hoped for and I welcomed any symptom that came my way.  Happily :) 

Here is the ultrasound picture of our baby girl from the day of our Amnio - 

 

Gorgeous, right?  We thought so.  :)

Our EDD (estimated due date) was March 23rd, 2007.  We continued to visit our OB on a regular basis and I was a good girl about taking my prenatal vitamins.   And after all of what we had been through, we were finally able to just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.  

Alpha-Feto...whudda??

We had pretty much decided from the get go to have all recommended testing done throughout our pregnancy.  I felt I had set the bar for this to be a medically guided pregnancy thus far and just didn't feel right not doing every test they felt was necessary.  Did I have to allow all recommended testing to be done?  Absolutely not.  Did I know any better?  Absolutely not.  

Up until my 2nd trimester all testing was going well.  Blood tests came back good, tests that were meant to be negative were and screens showed us a very healthy growing baby.  

Throughout my 1st trimester and into my 2nd, I would, of course, get concerned when I heard what tests were being performed...  Tests to check for Cystic Fibrosis, Down Syndrome, Trisomy-21, Trisomy-18, etc.  They also performed and would perform what were called "structural ultrasounds" to check limb and spine development.  I was always given the reassurance that everything looked great.  Of course it didn't help that during my ultrasounds we could still see a teeny little empty sac...  just sitting there.  It took a very long time to "vanish".  That was unsettling.  

It came time for my OB's office to take blood to perform what is called the Alpha-Fetoprotein or AFP Blood Test.  Just like before I rolled up my sleeve, gave the necessary amount of blood to perform the lab tests and went about my day.   This test was not mandatory (none of them really were), but nonetheless I wasn't turning anything down that would continue to give me the reassurance that my baby was healthy.  

 I was at work when my OB called with the results.  Like every other time I was expecting to hear all good news.  Famous last expectations...  He started telling me that they found elevated levels of protein in my blood and that without further testing they were unable to pinpoint the reason for those levels.  And by further testing he wanted to perform an Amniocentesis or Amnio.  What?  But I'm only 29 years old...  I asked him what it could potentially mean and as he began to say those words my heart just sank.  Lower and lower...  The elevated levels could've very well been due to the Vanishing Twin, but he wanted to rule out 100% the idea of Spina bifida.  We needed to make sure the excess levels were not being released from a hole in my baby's spine.  Oh God...  

I lost it.  Completely.  What on earth was going on and why was this all happening?  My boss wasn't in the office so I picked up the phone to call him and with what little voice I had, I told him I needed to go home and that something might be wrong with my baby.  He is a daddy too and understood all too well what I was going thru, so he gave me a few words of encouragement and absolutely told me to go home and be with my family.   

From the car I called my husband and he immediately said he would come home and meet me there.  I also called my mom.  I could barely even talk.  Every emotion I had, literally, from day 1 of this whole journey and up until that very moment just hit me.  And hard. I cried my poor eyes out until I was swollen times 10.  Tears of pretty much any and every emotion.  I was letting it all out.  

I got home and let my love console me with everything that he could.  And finally when I was able to be composed enough to to have a conversation, I called my OB...  to schedule our Amnio.  I couldn't believe I was having that conversation.  There was no way I was going to get this far and let anything happen to my baby.  And yet, there I was, accepting to do procedure that has been known to cause miscarriages.  We made the appointment to go in for Genetic Counseling, (which my OB recommended we do, just in case the results were something we'd have to cope with) and then to have the Amnio performed.  I hung up the phone and the rest of that day was a total blur. 

The Invisible Twin...

For the most part I felt like I was having a "normal" pregnancy.  I welcomed every little symptom with open arms.  A little nausea here, a little tiredness there.  I took them all with pride.  

We went back for our 2nd ultrasound on August 8, 2006.  During the ultrasound my OB casually informed us "there were 2, but now, there is only 1".  I didn't know what to make of it...  What happened to my baby?  My OB explained to us that we had what is commonly referred to as a Vanishing Twin. Of course my thoughts went to, "What did I do wrong?"  Of course he told me it wasn't anything I did.  The 2nd embryo just didn't develop past those 1st few weeks and I was reassured that still had one very healthy developing embryo.  The vanished twin would supposedly "disappear" and most likely reabsorb back into my body.  Oh thank goodness I wasn't going to bleed or miscarry it.  That was my main fear.

I was a little sad at first...  And I did cry a bit.  I had, had a beautiful dream where I was holding a baby boy in my arms and it was very peaceful.  I took that as a sign that the twin was a boy and my dream was God's way of letting me say good bye.  And I felt at peace.  I went home celebrating my healthy developing baby.  My strong survivor.  

TWINS?

Haha, well...  

My pregnancy was confirmed by my OB's office the following Thursday and my 1st appointment/ultrasound was scheduled for Friday, the  21st of July.  I was exactly 5 weeks pregnant.  I was so excited for my appointment that I had to go pee twice before!  It was actually the 1st and only time I pee'd so much before the appointment that I wasn't able to "go in a cup" when they needed me to!  It wasn't a big deal, just funny!  :)  Before my OB came in to perform the ultrasound his nurse explained to me what would happen at each appt.  I was loving every word I was hearing.  Taking it all in.  Smiling the whole way... You'll need me to pee in a cup every appointment?  No problem.  Take my blood?  It's yours.  Blood pressure?  Sure! What else?  Whatever it is, I ain't got no problem.  I'm pregnant.  :)

His nurse finished up and after taking my blood pressure told me my OB would be right in...  I couldn't wait to see him and to thank him.  

When he walked in he said, "I told you so"!  And he did...  and we couldn't be happier!  Then he said...  "and now the question is, how many?"  That was actually the question on a lot of my family members minds.  It is typical with insemination or in vitro that a multiple pregnancy would result so we knew there was a potential. He did say it would be too early to know for sure, but we were still surprised and a wee bit concerned when after looking at the ultrasound we saw THEM. Yep...  two very small little black dots on the screen.  One bigger than the other.  My OB saw them, but kept looking around...  was he actually looking for a 3rd??  eek!   And then he told us it looked like it might be twins.  They both measured at 5 weeks, within a day of each other, but it was too early to tell for sure.

We headed into my OB's office to go over the "testing and appointment schedule" and he gave us a bunch of information explaining what I could/shouldn't eat, etc.  We made our next appt. for August 8th and we were on our way.  I still felt like I was floating.  Cloud 9 was mine.  Finally.

The Visual.

As of Sunday morning, July 16th I had 3 positive pregnancy tests...

and I couldn't help but take a picture -

Aren't they pretty?  :)

 

We found out we were pregnant just days before our 3-year wedding anniversary.  

Almost exactly 2 years from the date we officially began trying to conceive.

A very very happy anniversary to us.  :)

The Results.

Ready I was and when I glanced over at the test I couldn't help but do a double take... 

What?!?  Doth my eyes deceive me?  Is it possible?  Is it real?  I saw two lines.  Not one...  two very visible lines.  I had to stop and take a moment to figure out how to process what was actually happening.  What I had in front of me was a sight I had been dreaming about seeing for a very very long time.  Do I actually say it out loud now?  Am I aloud to finally say those words I've been dying to say?  I wasn't prepared for how I was going to tell my husband. I gave up on having that "moment" of walking into the room where he was sitting and telling him the wonderful news.  And here I was.  I was there.  At that moment.  I had my very 1st positive pregnancy test ever.  I....  I... I'm...  I'm...  p...re...g...nant.  And I said it quietly to myself before walking out to tell my husband.  I wanted him to be the 1st to know. 

I walked out of the bathroom and set the test stick on the sink behind the faucet so I could walk over to get my husband.  He was in his parents room (adjoining room) and his sister was in their bathroom.  At the very moment I walked over and told my husband I needed to talk to him, my SIL walked out of the bathroom saying she needed soap to wash her hands...  so she started walking over to our bathroom!  It was quite comical at that point and I rushed past her to grab the test to show him first.  Of course she saw me grab it and as she excitedly said, "Are you????"  I stood in front of him with my back to my SIL and held up the test.  He saw it and said, "what does it mean!?!?!??!"   I told him to read it...  And with that his face lit up and he yelled, "yay!"  We just hugged and he held me so tight.  We ran into the room next door to tell his parents.  His mom hugged me and at that point I still felt like I was in so much shock I couldn't even cry.  I just had so many thoughts running thru my mind...  so many wonderful, joyous, loving thoughts.  With this amazing news we headed out for a fabulous dinner.  Everything from here on out was fabulous.  No matter what.  Why?  Because...  I was pregnant.  I was finally pregnant. 

I felt like I was floating on clouds...  My face must have had a permanent smile on it cause my cheeks started to get sore.   After dinner we went back to the hotel and I took another test, just for fun (can you imagine?) and once again those magical little lines appeared.  Almost immediately.

By total coincidence my sister and niece were in Vegas as well so naturally I had to call them to tell them to come visit us and fast!!!  While I waited for them I called my mom and my other sister to share with them the amazing news.  When they arrived I showed them the test and we all hugged.  Happiness was in abundance, all around.  Seeing my family so happy and hearing their excitement only made my heart warmer.  I couldn't stop touching my belly.

That day/evening was one of the absolute best of my life.  I was carrying my husbands baby in my belly.  I was pregnant.  And I went to bed that evening with the same big fat smile on my face.  Cheeks sore n' all.  

The Morning After.

Saturday, July 15th, 2006...  The day after I was supposed to start my period.  This was the 1st time I had gone a day past my supposed start date and had not taken an hpt.  I just didn't think I could do it...  So I let Friday pass me by without taking a test.  

I woke up Saturday morning and went to the bathroom.  NOTHING.  No period and no signs of it to come.  I got up and we all got ready for the day.  I didn't care about what plans we had.  There was only one thing on my mind. 

Throughout the day I found myself having to pee frequently...  I began to try my best to not even think about it.  I couldn't let myself.  Things were starting to actually look like maybe something might be up...  and that is the closest I came to the thought of actually being pregnant in 2 years.  I wasn't about to let myself immediately believe it, only to be incredibly disappointed moments later. 

Evening rolled around and we all decided to go back to the hotel to get ready for dinner.  I had a moment to myself while my husband and IL's were getting ready.  I felt the urge to pee, again, and by that point I was physically unable to wait any longer.  I had to know.  I secretly grabbed a test and went to the bathroom...  this was always a moment I was both excited about and dreaded.  All the "what ifs" crowded my mind.  I pee'd on the stick, set it down and refused to look at it.  I sat up to get dressed, only seconds later, and couldn't help but glance over. The moment of truth was upon me and once again I had to decide if I was ready for the results. 

TGIF?

I woke up Friday morning and by habit/instinct immediately felt my breasts to check for soreness and tenderness...  ... ...  it was pretty much gone.  Since that was always a negative sign I started to feel really down.  I knew I had to get up and get ready for the day, but really just wanted to stay in bed.  And wait for my period to come.  

My in-laws, husband and I decided we should all take a walk to another hotel/casino and before we left I hit up the bathroom.  Without going into TMI, I saw slight signs of my period coming and felt my heart sink.  I walked out of the bathroom, caught up with my husband and told him I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant.  We were walking behind m in-laws and I didn't want them to hear anything so I just told him to keep it quiet and let's just go about our day.  I didn't want to be a downer and I really didn't want to talk about it.  Again.  And I was trying to be strong.  

We arrived at another casino and my FIL (father-in-law), SIL (sister-in-law) and I sat down at a Caribbean Stud Table.  After a short while I felt the urge to pee, again...  This time there were no signs of my period.  "Hmmm... No, don't go there, Anita!  Don't think you're pregnant for one second cause then you'll get disappointed!"  I did feel a bit better though.  Secretly. 

We went about the rest of our day and my MIL (mother-in-law), SIL and I walked past a bunch of people playing Bingo and thought it would be fun to play, so we made plans to go the next day.  

I went the entire day without starting my period.  The one thing I could always count on was me being "regular" and always starting when I was "supposed" to...  Was I going to allow myself to be positive?  Could I let myself think that maybe, I might be pregnant?  

One thing was sure...  I went to bed Friday night not as afraid to wake up the next day.  For me, that was enough positivity for one day.  Enough I would allow, anyhoo. 

Vegas.

Ahhhh Vegas...  My husband and I spent so much time there and had built so many memories there.  The 1st half of our honeymoon was in Vegas and we had traveled there annually for our birthdays.  This time, my in-laws decided they wanted to take us all to Vegas for a family vacation.  Vegas?  With the family?  Let's go!  It just so happened that this particular trip was planned around our insemination...  and we would be there for the last few days of our 2WW.  And we would be there the day I was supposed to start my period.  To be completely honest I was actually a little worried about going this time.  In my mind I didn't want anything "bad" to happen in a place where I had so many happy memories.  I couldn't help but wonder how incredibly upset, sad and depressed I would be if I started my period in a place where celebration was expected.  I basically what if'd myself like crazy.  blah.

After the insemination my husband and I went to lunch and spent the evening with our friends, the ones who had helped us thru our false pregnancy test the month before.  All I could do was focus on how much "different" I felt this time.  I couldn't tell what that meant so I didn't try to over analyze it...  obviously that wasn't easy.

We left for Vegas on July 10th and I was supposed to start my period on Friday, July 14th.  To keep with the optimistic view I was trying desperately to hold onto, I packed 3 hpt's to take with us.  I felt better having them on me, rather than going to buy one when we arrived.  The week of the 10th, the week we left for Vegas, my breasts were so sore and painful.  Again, a bad sign as far as I was concerned.  

It was no secret that this was one of the most important weeks of our lives and when Thursday, the 13th rolled around it was clear I was nervous.  And distracted.  I wound up planning a wonderful day of relaxation and health with my sister-in-law.  We headed out Thursday morning for a 7am Sunrise Yoga class.  The instructor of our class was 7-months pregnant...  a good sign?!?  After our invigorating and wonderful yoga class I decided to follow my sister-in-law's lead and treated myself to a massage.  We had some time before our massages so we sat and had some tea and then decided to get in a quick 20-minute walking work-out on the treadmills.  The massage was the icing on the cake and I was feeling pretty relaxed.  My mind set had calmed and I was ready to go about the rest of our day.  We spent some time in the steam room and whirlpools, optimistically I only put my feet in, and then indulged in a delicious and  healthy lunch.  To keep with the tone of our morning we decided to attend a lecture on healthy eating habits and how to stay healthy when going out to eat.   Why not, right? 

Aside from our amazingly relaxing morning and afternoon and the fact that I was attempting to not drown my thoughts in what was potentially going to happen the next day, I did have a moment of reality and told my sister-in-law that I should go buy tampons.  I hadn't packed any because before we left for our trip I tried to buy some and after going to three different stores and coming up empty handed, (they were all out!) I gave up.  That was something that had never happened to me.  Another good sign?  Maybe?!?  Sooo...  off to Walgreen's or some local drug store we went and you're never gonna guess.  Yep, they were out too!  What was going on???  How is it possible that four drug stores who always carry my tampons were out?  I took that as a good sign and did not go anywhere else to try to find them. 

Thursday night was here and it was only a matter of time before I would have to go to bed and wake up to face Friday, the 14th.  What was I in for?  Only time would tell...

Round 2.

Round 2...

Since I started my period on a Sunday, I had to wait til Monday to call my OB.  When I spoke with him he immediately called in another prescription of Clomid for me to begin taking on Tuesday, day 3.  He asked that we come in to see him on the following Thursday (June 29th-day 12) to do the ultrasound.  I wound up taking the entire day off from work because I also had an appt. to see my allergist (both my allergist and my OB work out of the same building) that same day.  It was a total coincidence that I scheduled those appts. on the same day - they didn't have anything to do with one another.  Anyway... 

At our appt. and during our ultrasound the power in the office went out.  It was very weird.  And one thing you should all know about me is that I believe I have a spiritual connection with "the other side".  I also believe that I have my very own ghost who follows me around.  Sooooo, when that happened I took it as a sign, a good sign, that my ghost was there and talking to me.  Telling me that everything would work out.  (I'll save the "ghost" story for another blog - ;)

My OB rebooted the ultrasound machine once the power "surge" was over and he proceeded to tell us what he saw.  He said that this time he saw TWO follicles, measuring at 18.9 and 19.5mm.  He then determined that my date of ovulation would most likely be on Friday (the next day) so we would be coming back to his office, rather than the Center, for our insemination.  While I wasn't concerned about going back to the Nurse Practitioner at SCRC, I was relieved to hear that my OB would be the one doing the procedure.

He told us that his nurse would be coming in shortly to administer my HCG injection and then asked us back to his office to discuss how it would work this time around.  He told us that we would have to go to SCRC first where they would perform the "semen wash" and then we had to...  eek...  drive back to his office for the insemination!  Whaaaaaat???  I felt like I was in a movie and would be one of those women sitting with "sperm" in her hand and trying desperately not to spill it!  I know that sounds gross, but it was all I could think about!!!  That is almost impossible to do, btw, but still...  nerve wrecking!!  

We arrived at the Center Friday morning, bright and early.  It took a good hour or so and then...  we were off.  On our way to my OB's office.   I was sitting in the car, looking over at my husband, glaring at him as he drove.  Every bump, every turn, every light...  It was the safest he has ever driven.  To this day.  :)  

When we finally (it was only a 15 or so minute drive, but it felt like forever!) arrived at my OB's office his nurse called us in immediately.  If y'all want to be called in right away without ever having to wait, get inseminated!  Ok, so that was my attempt at some infertility humor...  I told you all to bear with me, didn't I?  :)
My OB came into the exam room and performed another ultrasound, just to reassure us all.  His exact words were, "yep, you're going to ovulate today".  He was very optimistic, which in turn led us to be very optimistic.  

And there we were...  My husband at my side, holding my hand, and my OB performing the insemination.  Again, I was instructed to "lay down for 5 minutes" before getting up.  He then gave us one last wishful thought as he left by saying, "I'll see you in 2 weeks!"  I could only hope...!  

The 2WW...

Ahhhh, the oh so familiar (and oh so dreaded) two week wait...  

In the past I had spent this time wondering if I had calculated my ovulation days correctly, if the ovulation kit test strips were correct, if I was eating the right things (I had completely eliminated alcohol and caffeine from my diet) and if this "could be it"??  This time it was even more important for me to wait exactly 2 weeks, and not a day sooner, because of the HCG injection I had received.  There was a chance, if I tested too early, I could get a false positive...  wouldn't that have been just awful?!?  

It just so happened that exactly 2 weeks after the day of our IUI was Father's Day.  We woke up in the morning and I couldn't tell if "it" was coming.  I was concerned because throughout the entire 2 weeks my breasts were tender and got even more tender and sore toward the end of the wait...  That was not a good sign as far as I was concerned.  Breast tenderness/soreness was always a sign of my period coming...  

When I woke up Sunday morning (Father's Day) I was a little relieved to feel that the tenderness had gone away!  Was this a sign, a GOOD sign???  I looked over at my husband and asked him if he wanted me to test.  I asked him because in my mind I pictured me getting a positive result and being able to wish him a very happy daddy's day!!!!  At first he tried to give me the neutral answer, "do whatever you want, baby".  Then he encouraged me to go ahead and test (not that I really needed much encouragement!).  

I went in to the bathroom to take my HPT (home pregnancy test) and was still happy to see no sign of my period.  And then...  after I had taken the test...  there it was.  And as I realized that yet again, what was happening I glanced over at the BFN (big fat negative!) on the test.  All I could do was crawl back into bed next to my husband and cry.  And let him hold me while I cried and cried some more.  

Eventually my husband had to get up and get ready for work and at that point I was ready to just spend some time alone with my feelings and thoughts.  I had gone back and forth about calling my family, but really didn't have the heart to have that discussion with anyone.  They would've all been so completely supportive, but those loving conversations were not something I could compose myself for.  I had sent a text to my sister, telling her that I had started my period and to please let everyone know that I wasn't ready to talk about it.  I knew that my 2WW was all of their 2WW's so I didn't want to not let them know. I have quite the large and loving family and knew that the minute I needed them they would be there. My sister's response was pretty much that, "keep your chin up and please call me if you need anything".   It was nice.  

Time was standing still for me...  I turned on the TV, but wasn't really watching it.  My husband always tells me to get out of the house when I'm feeling sad and that it will make me feel better.  Sooo...  after some more crying and just not really knowing what I wanted to do, I picked up the phone and called a close friend of mine.  I told her what had happened and that I would call her back after I had taken a shower to get ready for the day.  The minute I called her back she said she was on her way to pick me up.  I didn't even have to ask her.  When she arrived at my house she knew exactly what to say...  "Do you need to go put your feet in the water at the beach or go get coffee"?  I said coffee.  She had just bought a house with her husband and I asked her to take me to see it.  We drove around her new neighborhood and after unsuccessfully trying to get coffee and pastry's at a bakery we drove to a Starbucks and took the coffee back to my house.  We hung out, watched a movie and actually took a nap.  After our nap my girlfriend took me back to her house where my husband met us after work and we ordered pizza for dinner.  And...  I filled up on plenty of wine.  Yes, I drank my sorrows away that night.  It just all went down so smoothly.  

My husband and I were so grateful to our friends for that day.  I am still grateful to them for that day.

And then...  it was back to reality.  Time to move on.  Move forward.  And do it all over again. 

The Beginning. Part two.

My husband was back in town in time to set up our 1st round of IUI and, of course, I started my period - right on time.  Damn period.

It was the end of May 2006 and I called my ob to tell him the day I started.  He decided that we would go at this aggressively and instead of just relying on the insemination alone he prescribed the drug Clomid for me to take.  I took it on days 3-7 of my period and made an appt. to go see him on Friday, June 2nd.  It was Day 10 of my period and he wanted to do an ultrasound to check when around I would be ovulating.  He said "everything looked great" and that I had 1 dominant ovarian follicle, (on my left ovary) that measured about 22mm (anything over 12mm was good!).   He came to the conclusion that I would most likely ovulate over the weekend so we scheduled our Insemination to take place at a center called Southern California Reproductive Center.

Sunday morning, June 4th...  we arrived bright and early for our 1st "session" so to speak.  I was a basket full of nerves.  "What if we don't get pregnant"?  "What if it doesn't work"?  "How much is this going to cost us"?  "How long will we go and how many times will we try if we aren't successful"?  Oh man...  the questions went on and on in my head.  I had heard so many stories, unsuccessful ones, of couples who had been trying and trying and got nowhere.  My heart ached for them and now I felt like I was one of them.  And would we have to resort of In virto if the IUI's didn't work?  I freaked myself out, but good. 

I was given a bottle of HCG from my ob and was told to bring it with me on Sunday so they could administer it just prior to the insemination.  The whole process of Intra-uterine Insemination was not something I was ever hoping to educate myself on, but alas there I was...  Not only having it explained to me in detail, but actually going thru the process.

When it was "my turn" to be seen my husband took my hand and together we walked in the room.  It was like going for an annual exam, but with a hell of a lot more riding on it.  Like 100times more.  The Nurse Practitioner walked in and introduced herself, even though we had already met her earlier, and was very professional about the whole process.  She held up the "washed semen" and made sure the names matched.  (we've all heard those horror stories about semen being switched at places like this and you can bet your a** that both my husband and I were thinking about that - and a little scared of the idea - nonetheless we had faith and felt reassured by their safety practices).   The Nurse Practitioner explained to me that she couldn't administer the HCG I brought because she didn't know where it came from.  My 1st thought was, "but I need it!"  Of course for an additional $60 I could buy it from them and they could legally administer it.  Fine.  Take my $60, I don't care!  Just help me get pregnant!

My husband sat by my side, held my hand and rather than focusing on what was being done I just looked at him...  with tears in my eyes.  Partly sad and partly joy.  I didn't know what to think or feel, other than at that very moment we could be "making a baby".  I felt some pressure and after only a few seconds it was over.  And I was told to "lay there for 5 minutes before getting up".  The slowest 5 minutes of my life.  So far.

And so began...  the 2WW (two week wait).

The Beginning. Part one.

So, I thought it best to go back.  Way back.  To the beginning of my journey.  One that has been scary, frustrating, frightening, magical, amazing, wonderful, spiritual and everything and nothing I could've imagined.  And more. 

My husband and I got married in 2003 and on our 1-year anniversary we decided together to stop using any forms of birth control.  A baby in our future was absolutely an addition we both wanted and we decided to let what was "supposed" to naturally happen, well...  happen.   

I was 26 at the time and was definitely under the impression of, "I'm young, I'm healthy, I "should" get pregnant right away!"  Sooooo...  when, after several months, nothing happened I began to think.  And read books.  And go online.  And, ok, obsess about why on earth I wasn't getting pregnant???  My husband, as positive as always, tried his best to talk me off the ledge and to not worry about it and he tried time and time again to reassure me...  Somedays it worked and somedays... I was a wreck.  We kept saying we would wait another month and if nothing happened we would talk about "getting tested".  I couldn't believe we were even having that talk.  And I quickly forgot about it and just assumed we'd get pregnant the next month.  

Cut to...  almost 2 years later.  Yep...  just a couple months shy of 2 years.  And after all that time of charting, taking my temps, calculating and not getting a single positive result we went ahead and called my ob and expressed our growing concerns.  I had taken more pregnancy tests than I would've liked and without having a single BFP (big fat positive) I honestly thought it was hopeless.  I tend to do that (well, I used to be really bad!)...  think the worst and the end of the world is here when things don't go right.  Anyway...  My ob suggested we get my husband tested 1st since testing on my end would've been more invasive.  And the buck stopped there.  

It was May 2006 and my ob called me at work to give us our "results".  My husband, my rock, was out of town and I was at work.  The idea that I was about to get huge news without my love right there to put his arms around me was not a scenario I was ready to go forth with.  But, I did anyway.  I got up and walked to another cubicle where I could get more privacy and braced myself for whatever news he was ready to share with me.  He began explaining a bunch of medical terms and reasons and explanations and my head was spinning and I was trying my best to write down every word he was saying, while trying to understand them at the same time. And then...  he said those words - "It is HIGHLY unlikely you will get pregnant on your own".  I froze.  I had no idea what to say or do next.  And so, I said and did nothing.  I just waited for him to go on.  And when he started talking about how we should try IUI (Intra-uterine Insemination, or more commonly known as Artificial Insemination) my heart stopped.  WHAT?!?!?  You mean to tell me that I may never have children?!?!!?  And I began to cry.  And cry.  And cry.  He wanted me to call him back after I started my period so we could schedule our 1st (and hopefully only!) round.  He tried to explain to me how it would work and what we would need to do, but by that point I was just numb.  And all I could think was I want my husband and I desperately need to talk to him now.  I calmly, as best I could anyway, told my ob I needed to call him back to plan a schedule.  I called my love and as soon as he answered I just started crying again.  I tried my best to explain to him what had been told to me only moments earlier, but could only remember the worst of it - "highly unlikely".  Damn - those words stung.  And saying them out loud only made it worse.  All of a sudden we became a statistic.  There was a chance we might not have a baby.  And at that moment my life was absolutely crushed. 

Welcome to my blog!

Blogging...  Who...  Me?

I have always been 1 foot in and 1 foot out when it came to the idea of creating a blog.  And today I had a thought - several, actually.  I decided to just go for it and start a blog about my journey's of pregnancy and birth.  And Motherhood.  All things I am so (the most) passionate about.  And I can't stand to not share my passions, ideas, thoughts and knowledge anymore. 

I don't really have a plan for how it's going to turn out so bare with me.  I don't consider myself a "writer" nor do I think I have a way with words, so please allow me to just put it all out there and forgive any typos or grammatically incorrect sentences.  My thoughts are pretty much all over the place and I have a feeling this blog will be too!  

So...  I'm taking off and hope you'll come along for the ride!  Enjoy!