The Beginning. Part one.

So, I thought it best to go back.  Way back.  To the beginning of my journey.  One that has been scary, frustrating, frightening, magical, amazing, wonderful, spiritual and everything and nothing I could've imagined.  And more. 

My husband and I got married in 2003 and on our 1-year anniversary we decided together to stop using any forms of birth control.  A baby in our future was absolutely an addition we both wanted and we decided to let what was "supposed" to naturally happen, well...  happen.   

I was 26 at the time and was definitely under the impression of, "I'm young, I'm healthy, I "should" get pregnant right away!"  Sooooo...  when, after several months, nothing happened I began to think.  And read books.  And go online.  And, ok, obsess about why on earth I wasn't getting pregnant???  My husband, as positive as always, tried his best to talk me off the ledge and to not worry about it and he tried time and time again to reassure me...  Somedays it worked and somedays... I was a wreck.  We kept saying we would wait another month and if nothing happened we would talk about "getting tested".  I couldn't believe we were even having that talk.  And I quickly forgot about it and just assumed we'd get pregnant the next month.  

Cut to...  almost 2 years later.  Yep...  just a couple months shy of 2 years.  And after all that time of charting, taking my temps, calculating and not getting a single positive result we went ahead and called my ob and expressed our growing concerns.  I had taken more pregnancy tests than I would've liked and without having a single BFP (big fat positive) I honestly thought it was hopeless.  I tend to do that (well, I used to be really bad!)...  think the worst and the end of the world is here when things don't go right.  Anyway...  My ob suggested we get my husband tested 1st since testing on my end would've been more invasive.  And the buck stopped there.  

It was May 2006 and my ob called me at work to give us our "results".  My husband, my rock, was out of town and I was at work.  The idea that I was about to get huge news without my love right there to put his arms around me was not a scenario I was ready to go forth with.  But, I did anyway.  I got up and walked to another cubicle where I could get more privacy and braced myself for whatever news he was ready to share with me.  He began explaining a bunch of medical terms and reasons and explanations and my head was spinning and I was trying my best to write down every word he was saying, while trying to understand them at the same time. And then...  he said those words - "It is HIGHLY unlikely you will get pregnant on your own".  I froze.  I had no idea what to say or do next.  And so, I said and did nothing.  I just waited for him to go on.  And when he started talking about how we should try IUI (Intra-uterine Insemination, or more commonly known as Artificial Insemination) my heart stopped.  WHAT?!?!?  You mean to tell me that I may never have children?!?!!?  And I began to cry.  And cry.  And cry.  He wanted me to call him back after I started my period so we could schedule our 1st (and hopefully only!) round.  He tried to explain to me how it would work and what we would need to do, but by that point I was just numb.  And all I could think was I want my husband and I desperately need to talk to him now.  I calmly, as best I could anyway, told my ob I needed to call him back to plan a schedule.  I called my love and as soon as he answered I just started crying again.  I tried my best to explain to him what had been told to me only moments earlier, but could only remember the worst of it - "highly unlikely".  Damn - those words stung.  And saying them out loud only made it worse.  All of a sudden we became a statistic.  There was a chance we might not have a baby.  And at that moment my life was absolutely crushed.