Downhill Battle.

These past few months have been rough, to say the least.  An emotional, mental and physical roller coaster that just wouldn't stop. There have been many a nights when I sat down in front of the computer and thought, "I need to update my blog" and then I thought, "but I am feeling down and tired and don't have a whole heck of a lot of positivity to express" and so I opted out of the updating and shut it down.  Tonight wasn't much different, except to say that I am slowly, but surely coming out of the downward spiral that I felt would consume me entirely at one point.  

My original reason for starting this blog was to take you all along with me on my journey to becoming a mama and while the joyous, loving, 'happy' moments are in abundance I have had my share of tough days.  I was just careful not to express those as often or at all.  

Lately, my children have needed me to really step up and become an advocate for them. I had to stand up and make people take notice.  I had to make myself be heard, and teach my children that they too, have a voice.  And a powerful one at that.

So here I sit tonight...  thinking about this mountain I've been climbing and how, rather than falling, I continue to move forward.  My children walk beside me, knowing that if they fall I will hold my hand out for them, but I will not carry them because the victory of reaching the peak needs to be theirs.  The climb gets steeper and more difficult, but we have our sights set on the top.  Which is finally in view. And then... it's all downhill from there.  

Reflecting... Starting a new.

My babies are growing at, what I feel is, lightening speed.  My baby girl is 5 and my boys are now 3 1/2  and 1 1/2.  Crazy.

This rapid pace of life has caused me to reflect on the past 5 years and in the midst of feeling like I was failing because I wasn't doing a good job at "enjoying every moment" I came across a blog, written by a mom, that talked about how it's perfectly ok and actually expected that I don't enjoy every moment.  A crying or tantrum-ing child is not enjoyable.  Waking up all hours of the night and getting little to no sleep is not enjoyable.  But consoling and reassuring my children is.  

It was an effortless read that gave me the validation I needed at the very moment I needed it.  And with that I was able to I stop doubting myself and questioning whether or not I was doing this whole motherhood thing right. For the rest of the day, at least.  ;)

Simple truth is being a mommy is hard and keeping up with my 3 energetic trouble makers has its challenges.  I've always prided myself on loving a challenge and coming out with my head above water, but for a while there I was so full of doubt my head was spinning. I guess you could say I was drowning in it.  So I decided to update this blog to reflect my trials, tribulations and revelations. 

For me there's no better outlet than writing it down, reading it back and if negative, releasing it and moving on. 

And so, if you want...

 

just follow us.

"Three Is a Magic Number"

Ok, whom out there is familiar with the song from Schoolhouse Rock?  It's a favorite in our household and was pretty fitting, I thought, for the title of my next blog entry.   

I am often asked by people if I am "done" having children.  And as much as I've given short, indecisive answers here or there in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "what does that even mean?"  I never really liked the word, "done".  It's feels so... final.  

From the beginning and after I got pregnant with my daughter I told myself that I was "done" taking any kind of birth control and if we got pregnant on our own, it was meant to be.  And we did.  Twice.  Sooner than I thought it would happen and even sooner than I was "ready" for it to happen, but the moment my babies were born none of that mattered.  My heart automatically grew and the overall love in my home multiplied.  My 3 little miracles have helped to make me the person I am today.  My daughter is my strong survivor.  I call her that because of her invisible twin.  She is smart, creative, beautiful, loving and is already a little protector of her younger brothers.  She has such a caring and compassionate heart and I just love watching her grow.  My son is my challenge.  And I say that with the utmost endearment.  I love that boy more than anything in the world and his strong personality that challenges me everyday also makes me love him more and more.  He stands up for what he wants and makes his views known.  I never want him to lose that inner fire.  He is my little music lover and never passes up an opportunity to dance and sing along.  My baby boy is trying his best to keep up with his older siblings.  He is already crawling and wants so badly to get in on the fun.  He is also happy to just go with the flow.  They are all happy.  And healthy.  And they have the most infectious smiles and laughter.  They are magical and amazing to me and they represent everything good in my life.  Their smiles & laughter... their kind hearts & pure souls...  they are free and whimsical and they are a forever reminder of absolute and unconditional love and of what can be created from love. When I look at them I beam with pride.  I'm am living my life with my family and doing my very best to enjoy every single moment. 

And the next time I am asked about having more children I'm simply going to reply with... Three is a magic number.  Because it is.

When I look at this picture another song comes to mind... 

"I hear babies crying, I watch them grow.  

They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know.  

And I think to myself... What a wonderful world"

A wonderful world, indeed.

Cannibalism. At It's Best.

Now...  I know there are a handful of you out there who read the title to this blog entry and nodded your head in agreement because you know exactly what I'm talking about.  

For those of you shuddered at the word, "cannibalism", please... allow me to enlighten you.   

Looong ago, before my 3rd, and 2nd for that matter, pregnancy I was visiting with a girlfriend and fellow mommy friend.  We were chit chatting about babies, birth, etc. while our babies (our daughters are very close in age) played.  This particular girlfriend was (is) a fellow home birth mommy and was a large part of my inspiration to go for it myself.  Well, during this particular visit I found myself fascinated during our conversation when she said she had her placenta encapsulated for consumption and stored it in her freezer.  Yes, ladies and gentleman, you read that right.  I admit, my response was probably the same one you're having right now, if this is the 1st time you've heard of this ritual.  Now, allow me to clarify...  My girlfriend was the 1st person I heard of who had done this, but apparently there are women out there who come to your home to prepare and encapsulate your placenta the day after your birth.  And once it's encapsulated they're ready to take.  Easy as pie.  ;)

Why, you ask?  Why on earth would anyone do this, let alone just think about doing it?  Oh, I am so glad you asked.  Placenta Encapsulation is, in a word, replenishing.  Think about it...  During our entire pregnancies our babies are hidden so warmly and comfortable in the womb, attached to us by...  the placenta.  Everything our babies get from us, they get from the placenta.  The very definition of Placenta is, "an organ that connects the developing fetus to the uterine wall to allow nutrient uptake, waste elimination, and gas exchange via the mother's blood supply." Now, don't get me wrong.  When I 1st heard of this from my friend I did think it was weird, but I was intrigued and definitely curious.   

It wasn't until I made the decision to home birth years later when I actually took the time to research it further.  I remember seeing a post on another girlfriends (my friend who attended and photographed my birth) facebook page saying she had "ingested her placenta" and I realized that it was a common practice among home birthing mommies.  It was no wonder every home birthing mommy I knew always seemed like they were floating on cloud 9...  ;) 

The next step for me was finding someone to do it.  I asked around and was pleased to find out the student midwife working with my midwives encapsulated placentas according to "Traditional Chinese Medicine".  I contacted her almost immediately.  And after speaking with her and my girlfriends in detail I had pretty much made up my mind to do it.  Among the countless benefits the one that sold me the most was avoiding any sort of postpartum depression. Or in my case, post baby blues.  The very idea that "eating your placenta" meant you were replenishing your body of all vital nutrients/blood lost during labor along with it's natural healing chemicals just completely made sense.  As far as I was concerned there was no reason not to do it.  It was naturally the next step for me after birthing.  Of course when I mentioned the idea to my husband and family I was met with hesitation.  But then, just like every other "hair brained" idea I had (you know...  VBAC, home birth... ;) I changed their minds and they supported my decision.

After my baby boy was born my midwife stored my placenta in the fridge.  And the very next day my girlfriend and student midwife at the time (she is now licensed!) came over to encapsulate it.  She brought her own gear and took care of everything.  She brought such a calm and peaceful ambiance into my home.  And after coming back the next day to finish up she not only gave me my 1st 2 pills to take, she also dried the umbilical cord and shaped it into a heart as a beautiful keepsake.

During my 1st week postpartum I can honestly say that I felt like a brand new woman.  I felt uplifted.  There was a sense of serenity drifting throughout my body.  Crying baby?  Not a problem.  Crying baby and screaming toddler?  Nothing I couldn't handle.  My mood was calm and my babies felt it.  I was patient and relaxed...  without a hint or sign of the blues.  And the boost to my milk supply was an added bonus. 

I still have some "happy pills" left that I can take on an as needed basis...  if I'm having a particularly stressful day or just need an extra mental push to get through a rough time.  I can hold onto them forever and even use them once menopause hits to help ease those symptoms as well.  I just store them in my freezer and know they're there when I need them.  Kind of like a security blanket...  

Pretty darn cool, if you ask me. 

"Mother Nature's Son"

After our last check I stood up and asked, (in what I am sure was my most pathetic voice ever) my Midwife if I could go sit in the birth tub.  She smiled and nodded, knowing it was exactly what I needed to do.  She knew, every step of the way, exactly what I needed. 

As I strolled down the hall toward the tub I sent my last text to my girlfriend, who was well on her way, letting her know I was dilated 9cm.  And then I climbed in.  And oh my goodness...  it felt so nice.  Yes, I was still very much in labor and yes I was still having the most intense contractions, but sitting in that tub, looking around my house and feeling my husband sitting behind me, supporting me, loving me, holding me, just really sealed the deal, even more so.  There really is nothing like it.  

I felt my 1st contraction in the tub a few minutes after I got in...  And with that 1st contraction I felt a POP!  Hallelujah!  My water broke.  Mentally that was the last hurdle, before actually pushing my baby out, I had to overcome.  And we were off to the races!!!  Ok, so technically we weren't in any hurry, whatsoever.  I just really like that saying.  ;)

My contractions continued to stack up right on top of each other and all of a sudden I heard a knock at the door.  It was my dear friend.  She made it just in time.  I remember smiling as she walked in, feeling so thankful that she was able to leave her 3 babies at home and be there for me.  She immediately took over as official birth photographer and showered me with reassurance and loving words.  My niece got the video camera ready and my midwife continued to get all necessary supplies ready for when my baby arrived.  My birthing music was ready to go in my DVD player and as soon as I stepped foot in the tub I asked my niece to press play.  It was the 'Bedtime With The Beatles - Instrumental Versions of Classical Beatles Songs' CD and  just as that same track listing played every night as I nursed my 1st 2 babies to sleep it was going to be playing when I brought my baby into this world. I couldn't think of a more perfect scenario.  

During my transition I definitely had those moments of "I can't do this".  And when I say that, I mean I knew I was going to do it, but saying those words out loud somehow made it easier to manage.  I told my midwife that I was probably going to say "no" and "I can't do this", etc. simply because it just felt better to do so.  There was never a doubt in my mind I was going to do it.  

I remember feeling a particularly strong contraction and my body just kind of... pushed.  I knew I was pushing, but definitely felt as if my body took over.  And it felt good.  Soooo, I started pushing with every contraction from then on.  I was leaning against my husband, with my back to him, and after a couple pushes it stopped feeling good and started hurting again.  The descent down the birth canal had begun.  I could still hear, somewhat, my birthing music in the background, but it was getting harder and harder to focus on anything other than the pain and my body.  With each push I could feel my babys head descending and then as I would stop to breathe I could feel it "go back in".  Heart ache. I didn't like the position I was in because every time I pushed, I would try to ground myself by pressing my legs against the sides of the tub and the last thing we needed was for me to break the walls right down.  It might not have been a possible feat, but we weren't about to chance it.  So I changed positions to all 4s and tried once again to push my baby out.  It was so sad to feel the head once again... descending and then...  going back in.  I remember saying out loud, "It's going back in" and my midwife sympathized and then I remember saying, (again, in a very pathetic voice), "it's not fair".  I remember hearing the "awww's" of my friend and niece.  They were trying so hard to make me feel better.  And at that moment my midwife responded with one the most important and supportive things that helped me get through it.  She said, "I know...  but that's good.  It gives the tissue a chance to stretch and the head a chance to mold".  And with that I was given a renewed sense of, "I CAN DO THIS".  

After a few more contractions and me pushing with every ounce of my being my midwife suggested I move back to my original position.  Sitting, leaning on my husband.  She told me my babys head was "right there" and I was doing a good job.  I admit, I was in so much pain that when I tried to put my hand down there to feel it, I just couldn't.  I wanted to, but I was feeling discouraged by the pain.  At one point I just blurted out, "it hurts" and then my midwife came through yet again with the most powerful statement I needed to hear.  Her response?  A very loving and comforting, "I know it does...  but you just gotta push through that pain".  And instantly I felt the light bulb go on...  "oh yeah, duh!"  I have to push through it!  And... I did.  And I pushed.  And I pushed.  And then I felt my babys head coming out of me.  I can't even begin to sit here and try to explain what that feels like.  Absolutely amazing.  Times one hundred million.  And then my midwife looked up at me, smiled and said, "It's not going back in anymore".  Deep breathes...  tears.  Happiness.  And then it was time for me to "bring the house down".  :)  

I remember screaming...  loudly.  I remember feeling my babys body inching closer and closer to the world of water waiting for it.  I remember feeling the shoulders making their way through and then... at 5:12pm, to the tune of, "Mother Nature's Son" playing in the background, my baby was born. And instantly pulled out of the water and onto my chest.  I burst into tears and I could hear the tears of my niece and friend.  My midwife had the biggest grin on her face.  I took a little peak and blurted out, "IT'S A BOY"!  My son.  Oh thank the lord for you, my son.  I held him, close to my heart, wrapped in a towel and couldn't stop staring at him.  Kissing him.  I couldn't stop telling him how amazing he was.  Is.  I looked back at my husband and cried as we kissed.  The love in the room was overwhelming and I wanted to soak it all in.  Never before had I been in an environment where there was such a peaceful calm after the birth of a baby.  Something I am forever grateful for.

 

My son was born at home.  Where my heart and the hearts of my husband and children live.  Where, actually, Maya Angelou said it best...  "The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."  Yep, that pretty much sums it up.  "Where we can go as we are and not be questioned."

This is it! Part 2.

For the next 3 hours, while my daughter was in school and my son napped, I progressed rather quickly. My Midwife returned around 2pm and by then I was at 5cm.  My water bag was still in tact so she wanted me to really get going/walk around to try to get it to break.  Basically, do whatever was the least bit comfortable.  She suggested that my husband and I go for a little walk around our complex.  So, we did.  It was nice to walk around, but by that point my contractions were right on top of each other and they were STRONG.  Oh man, they hurt (understatement of the year).  I remember walking around and just literally hanging on my husband when a contraction came on.  And the nausea...  oh the nausea.  I felt like I had to puke.  I was careful not to eat too much earlier that day, but I did eat breakfast and snack a little so I was worried that it might come up.  I told my husband I wanted to go back home... I was really feeling it now.  REALLY.  We walked back into the house and I immediately sat down on the carpet, grabbed our make-shift bucket vomit holder and...  yep.  You know what happened next.  Fortunately it wasn't a lot.  Very little actually.  I remember my midwife saying to me, "now you look like you're in labor" and that made me smile.  It was really happening.  I was actually doing it. 

After about an hour and a half I needed to go lie down or do something to help with the pain and my midwife thought that would be a good time to check me again.  We walked into my room to find my mom on the phone...  confirming her hotel reservation for her and my babies and then, without me having to say a word, she left to pick up my baby girl from school.  It was about 3:30pm and I had dilated to 7cm.  That was the 1st time in all my labors I had gone that far without any pain medication/drugs or interventions.  An accomplishment I am most proud of.  

My mom returned home with my daughter around 4:15 and I was still in my room, in the midst of my transition, (the hardest and most painful contractions) and I was trying desperately not to feel defeated by the fact that my water bag was still intact.  I heard my son wake up from his nap and felt better when my niece ran to pick him up.  I wanted desperately to see him, hold him and tell him good night, but I was so concerned about letting him see me in such an unfamiliar state.  Both my husband and I knew that he would not be happy about coming in for a quick good bye.  Instead, my husband brought our daughter in and we said our good nights.  We explained the baby was coming and her abuela was going to take her and her brother to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner and then to a hotel for a sleep over.  My niece, (sister to the one attending my birth) volunteered to stay at the hotel with them and my sister and brother-in-law joined them for fun and play at Chuck E. Cheese.  Lucky Kiddos.  And from there, I was able to focus, 100% on having my baby.

Mentally, the idea that my water hadn't broke yet was unbearably rough to handle.  When my son was born my labor started with my water breaking so I was not prepared to get this far without it happening yet.  And I knew that until it broke my baby wasn't coming and I had to endure this pain that much longer.  Ahhhh!  My midwife suggested I try sitting on the toilet to encourage it...  sooooo, I did.  Oh man.  oh man, oh man, oooh man.  WORST. PAIN. EVER.  There was absolutely nothing I could do to relax to help handle the pain, except to just wait it out.  She wanted me to sit there for 5 contractions and then she said she'd check me again at 4:30... and we would talk about breaking it.  Something neither of us wanted.  I counted each and every contraction waiting ever so impatiently for #5 so I could get off that damn thing. I couldn't squeeze my husbands hand hard enough, hold onto anything hard enough to transfer the pain.  I was stuck with it and it wasn't going anywhere...  Breathe...  I just had to breathe.  4:30 rolled around, and so did my 5th contraction so we checked again.  This time after she checked me I felt a little bit of fluid leak out.  Just a little, but enough to know that it was amniotic fluid and there was hope yet for it to break on it's own!!!  And with that she told me I was dilated to 9cm.  Almost there!!!!! 

This is it! Part 1...

I went to bed on January 13th, 2011 feeling like my labor had officially begun.  I was ecstatic.  And maybe a little bit nervous.  I got ready for bed and told my husband I was pretty sure I was in labor and we would see how the night went.  There was no sense of panic or fear whatsoever.  It was nice.  We were home and we had no plans to go anywhere else. 

We went to bed and throughout the night and into the morning I woke up to contractions just about every hour. When I got up the next morning I couldn't wait to call my family, friends and midwife. 

I spent the early part of the morning (between 7-8am) making calls and one of them was to my mom, asking her to come over.  Her job was to be in charge of my babies.  The plan, if we felt the need, was for her to take them to a nearby hotel for the night so my husband and I could bond with our new baby.  And having my mom there, taking care of them, made me feel so much better.  I also called my niece and told her she could come over whenever she wanted.  She has plans to become an RN and it's her desire to work in Labor & Delivery so I offered to let her attend my birth as a learning and positive experience.  I also called my girlfriend who was willing to attend and photograph my birth.  I wanted to capture every moment.  

When my midwife and I spoke I told her my contractions were about 10 minutes apart...  Consistently.  She wanted me to call her back when they were more like 5 minutes apart (and more painful).  My husband and I decided we would go ahead and set up my birth tub since we had been told on more than one occasion that it takes a long time to fill.  And once it was filled there was in internal heater that kept the water super warm.  My mom arrived and we all had breakfast.  The kids danced around and thoroughly enjoyed helping their daddy set up the birth tub.  I also took advantage of the time I had to pack a bag for my daughter and son in case we decided to send them to the hotel. It was a magical morning for me.  I got to experience the absolute joy of being home with my children while going through the early stages of my labor.  

I called my midwife a few hours later with the news that my contractions were continuing and gradually getting stronger, about 5 minutes apart.  She decided to come by to check on me.  It was just about noon when she arrived and as much as I knew I was having steady contractions I really didn't expect to hear news of any dilation.  Well...  when she checked me I was already dilated 3, almost 4cm.  What!?!  REALLY??  Awesome!  That was such a great boost to hear.  We were rolling right along...  She had to run out real quick and told me to call her back when I was experiencing painful, consistent (5 minutes apart), unbearable contractions.  

It was about lunch time and almost time for my daughter to go to school so after we shared the news of my progress my mom and I made lunch for the kids.  The tub was still being filled and with every contraction I would holler, "contraction" and my husband would rush over and start rubbing my back or feet or whatever I needed until they passed.  My niece even joined in and rubbed my back for a while.  Not too shabby.  

After lunch I packed up my daughters back pack for school and kissed her good bye.  And then I sat down with my son and proceeded to rock him to sleep for his nap.  I had a couple contractions while rocking him, but it was so easy for me to just remain calm.  Once he fell asleep I cuddled him a little longer and then put him to bed in his room.  At that point I was thinking, this day could not be going any more smoothly.