The 2WW...

Ahhhh, the oh so familiar (and oh so dreaded) two week wait...  

In the past I had spent this time wondering if I had calculated my ovulation days correctly, if the ovulation kit test strips were correct, if I was eating the right things (I had completely eliminated alcohol and caffeine from my diet) and if this "could be it"??  This time it was even more important for me to wait exactly 2 weeks, and not a day sooner, because of the HCG injection I had received.  There was a chance, if I tested too early, I could get a false positive...  wouldn't that have been just awful?!?  

It just so happened that exactly 2 weeks after the day of our IUI was Father's Day.  We woke up in the morning and I couldn't tell if "it" was coming.  I was concerned because throughout the entire 2 weeks my breasts were tender and got even more tender and sore toward the end of the wait...  That was not a good sign as far as I was concerned.  Breast tenderness/soreness was always a sign of my period coming...  

When I woke up Sunday morning (Father's Day) I was a little relieved to feel that the tenderness had gone away!  Was this a sign, a GOOD sign???  I looked over at my husband and asked him if he wanted me to test.  I asked him because in my mind I pictured me getting a positive result and being able to wish him a very happy daddy's day!!!!  At first he tried to give me the neutral answer, "do whatever you want, baby".  Then he encouraged me to go ahead and test (not that I really needed much encouragement!).  

I went in to the bathroom to take my HPT (home pregnancy test) and was still happy to see no sign of my period.  And then...  after I had taken the test...  there it was.  And as I realized that yet again, what was happening I glanced over at the BFN (big fat negative!) on the test.  All I could do was crawl back into bed next to my husband and cry.  And let him hold me while I cried and cried some more.  

Eventually my husband had to get up and get ready for work and at that point I was ready to just spend some time alone with my feelings and thoughts.  I had gone back and forth about calling my family, but really didn't have the heart to have that discussion with anyone.  They would've all been so completely supportive, but those loving conversations were not something I could compose myself for.  I had sent a text to my sister, telling her that I had started my period and to please let everyone know that I wasn't ready to talk about it.  I knew that my 2WW was all of their 2WW's so I didn't want to not let them know. I have quite the large and loving family and knew that the minute I needed them they would be there. My sister's response was pretty much that, "keep your chin up and please call me if you need anything".   It was nice.  

Time was standing still for me...  I turned on the TV, but wasn't really watching it.  My husband always tells me to get out of the house when I'm feeling sad and that it will make me feel better.  Sooo...  after some more crying and just not really knowing what I wanted to do, I picked up the phone and called a close friend of mine.  I told her what had happened and that I would call her back after I had taken a shower to get ready for the day.  The minute I called her back she said she was on her way to pick me up.  I didn't even have to ask her.  When she arrived at my house she knew exactly what to say...  "Do you need to go put your feet in the water at the beach or go get coffee"?  I said coffee.  She had just bought a house with her husband and I asked her to take me to see it.  We drove around her new neighborhood and after unsuccessfully trying to get coffee and pastry's at a bakery we drove to a Starbucks and took the coffee back to my house.  We hung out, watched a movie and actually took a nap.  After our nap my girlfriend took me back to her house where my husband met us after work and we ordered pizza for dinner.  And...  I filled up on plenty of wine.  Yes, I drank my sorrows away that night.  It just all went down so smoothly.  

My husband and I were so grateful to our friends for that day.  I am still grateful to them for that day.

And then...  it was back to reality.  Time to move on.  Move forward.  And do it all over again. 

The Beginning. Part two.

My husband was back in town in time to set up our 1st round of IUI and, of course, I started my period - right on time.  Damn period.

It was the end of May 2006 and I called my ob to tell him the day I started.  He decided that we would go at this aggressively and instead of just relying on the insemination alone he prescribed the drug Clomid for me to take.  I took it on days 3-7 of my period and made an appt. to go see him on Friday, June 2nd.  It was Day 10 of my period and he wanted to do an ultrasound to check when around I would be ovulating.  He said "everything looked great" and that I had 1 dominant ovarian follicle, (on my left ovary) that measured about 22mm (anything over 12mm was good!).   He came to the conclusion that I would most likely ovulate over the weekend so we scheduled our Insemination to take place at a center called Southern California Reproductive Center.

Sunday morning, June 4th...  we arrived bright and early for our 1st "session" so to speak.  I was a basket full of nerves.  "What if we don't get pregnant"?  "What if it doesn't work"?  "How much is this going to cost us"?  "How long will we go and how many times will we try if we aren't successful"?  Oh man...  the questions went on and on in my head.  I had heard so many stories, unsuccessful ones, of couples who had been trying and trying and got nowhere.  My heart ached for them and now I felt like I was one of them.  And would we have to resort of In virto if the IUI's didn't work?  I freaked myself out, but good. 

I was given a bottle of HCG from my ob and was told to bring it with me on Sunday so they could administer it just prior to the insemination.  The whole process of Intra-uterine Insemination was not something I was ever hoping to educate myself on, but alas there I was...  Not only having it explained to me in detail, but actually going thru the process.

When it was "my turn" to be seen my husband took my hand and together we walked in the room.  It was like going for an annual exam, but with a hell of a lot more riding on it.  Like 100times more.  The Nurse Practitioner walked in and introduced herself, even though we had already met her earlier, and was very professional about the whole process.  She held up the "washed semen" and made sure the names matched.  (we've all heard those horror stories about semen being switched at places like this and you can bet your a** that both my husband and I were thinking about that - and a little scared of the idea - nonetheless we had faith and felt reassured by their safety practices).   The Nurse Practitioner explained to me that she couldn't administer the HCG I brought because she didn't know where it came from.  My 1st thought was, "but I need it!"  Of course for an additional $60 I could buy it from them and they could legally administer it.  Fine.  Take my $60, I don't care!  Just help me get pregnant!

My husband sat by my side, held my hand and rather than focusing on what was being done I just looked at him...  with tears in my eyes.  Partly sad and partly joy.  I didn't know what to think or feel, other than at that very moment we could be "making a baby".  I felt some pressure and after only a few seconds it was over.  And I was told to "lay there for 5 minutes before getting up".  The slowest 5 minutes of my life.  So far.

And so began...  the 2WW (two week wait).

The Beginning. Part one.

So, I thought it best to go back.  Way back.  To the beginning of my journey.  One that has been scary, frustrating, frightening, magical, amazing, wonderful, spiritual and everything and nothing I could've imagined.  And more. 

My husband and I got married in 2003 and on our 1-year anniversary we decided together to stop using any forms of birth control.  A baby in our future was absolutely an addition we both wanted and we decided to let what was "supposed" to naturally happen, well...  happen.   

I was 26 at the time and was definitely under the impression of, "I'm young, I'm healthy, I "should" get pregnant right away!"  Sooooo...  when, after several months, nothing happened I began to think.  And read books.  And go online.  And, ok, obsess about why on earth I wasn't getting pregnant???  My husband, as positive as always, tried his best to talk me off the ledge and to not worry about it and he tried time and time again to reassure me...  Somedays it worked and somedays... I was a wreck.  We kept saying we would wait another month and if nothing happened we would talk about "getting tested".  I couldn't believe we were even having that talk.  And I quickly forgot about it and just assumed we'd get pregnant the next month.  

Cut to...  almost 2 years later.  Yep...  just a couple months shy of 2 years.  And after all that time of charting, taking my temps, calculating and not getting a single positive result we went ahead and called my ob and expressed our growing concerns.  I had taken more pregnancy tests than I would've liked and without having a single BFP (big fat positive) I honestly thought it was hopeless.  I tend to do that (well, I used to be really bad!)...  think the worst and the end of the world is here when things don't go right.  Anyway...  My ob suggested we get my husband tested 1st since testing on my end would've been more invasive.  And the buck stopped there.  

It was May 2006 and my ob called me at work to give us our "results".  My husband, my rock, was out of town and I was at work.  The idea that I was about to get huge news without my love right there to put his arms around me was not a scenario I was ready to go forth with.  But, I did anyway.  I got up and walked to another cubicle where I could get more privacy and braced myself for whatever news he was ready to share with me.  He began explaining a bunch of medical terms and reasons and explanations and my head was spinning and I was trying my best to write down every word he was saying, while trying to understand them at the same time. And then...  he said those words - "It is HIGHLY unlikely you will get pregnant on your own".  I froze.  I had no idea what to say or do next.  And so, I said and did nothing.  I just waited for him to go on.  And when he started talking about how we should try IUI (Intra-uterine Insemination, or more commonly known as Artificial Insemination) my heart stopped.  WHAT?!?!?  You mean to tell me that I may never have children?!?!!?  And I began to cry.  And cry.  And cry.  He wanted me to call him back after I started my period so we could schedule our 1st (and hopefully only!) round.  He tried to explain to me how it would work and what we would need to do, but by that point I was just numb.  And all I could think was I want my husband and I desperately need to talk to him now.  I calmly, as best I could anyway, told my ob I needed to call him back to plan a schedule.  I called my love and as soon as he answered I just started crying again.  I tried my best to explain to him what had been told to me only moments earlier, but could only remember the worst of it - "highly unlikely".  Damn - those words stung.  And saying them out loud only made it worse.  All of a sudden we became a statistic.  There was a chance we might not have a baby.  And at that moment my life was absolutely crushed. 

Welcome to my blog!

Blogging...  Who...  Me?

I have always been 1 foot in and 1 foot out when it came to the idea of creating a blog.  And today I had a thought - several, actually.  I decided to just go for it and start a blog about my journey's of pregnancy and birth.  And Motherhood.  All things I am so (the most) passionate about.  And I can't stand to not share my passions, ideas, thoughts and knowledge anymore. 

I don't really have a plan for how it's going to turn out so bare with me.  I don't consider myself a "writer" nor do I think I have a way with words, so please allow me to just put it all out there and forgive any typos or grammatically incorrect sentences.  My thoughts are pretty much all over the place and I have a feeling this blog will be too!  

So...  I'm taking off and hope you'll come along for the ride!  Enjoy!